I realize that I haven't updated with any new real content in awhile, but what do you expect from a college kid home for the summer? I've decided to take a little vacation from the website world - to relax, enjoy life, and frolic in the cool summer nights.

This doesn't mean that I'm not working on new material - it's just that with most of my internet demographic taking a break from the rigors of college life, I've decided to take a break of my own.

If you're looking for some good summer time activities, I've got a couple I'd like to personally recommend:

Play the instant lotto. Psychologically, there's no better way to beat the heat than to scratch off a winner.

Find yourself a fat chick. Not only do they provide ample heat in the winter, but that blubber burlesque can double as a source of shade and comfort on those hot, humid afternoons. Remember, fat chicks need lovin' too, except they have to pay for it.

Racial stereotyping. Nothing says "fun in the sun" like talking about them "silly, funny-looking Asians."

Brag about your personal college experience. No matter what any of your friends from home say, you're college experience is hands down better than any of theirs. You had the best time, you drank the most beer, you got laid the most, you are the best my friend. You are the best.

Maybe its just me, but I doubt I'd be able to make it through the entire break without these proven fun-filled classics of summer. Check back every so often in the next month or so - who knows, perhaps I'll add an update or two below.

Okay, so this crazy bitch sent me an email the other day complaining about my description of Asians as "funny looking." Her complete email is in the Hate Mail section, but I'll let you read this little excerpt, and I quote:

"I really don't think Asians are funny looking... I'm Asian myself and I am the winner of 'Miss University' at my college."

Well, one of my fans used his Sherlock investigation skills and came up with this picture of Tracy Chang - directly from her school's website. Miss University? Why don't you try "Miss Down-syndrome of the Orient." It could just be me, but doesn't she remind you a lot of Corky from the hit 80s television show Life Goes On? Maybe she's just come down with bad case of SARS, I don't know, but she's certainly no beauty queen. Tracy, you only furthur support my previous claim that Asians are, in fact, very, very "funny looking."

There, I rest my case.

Hello all. Well, I'm done with my sophomore year of college and I'm home for the summer. Sorry for the lack of updated content, but I've been busy with unpacking and settling back into my non-school lifestyle.

I've been working on some new content and material including a spin-off of my Sorority Girl section. Hopefully that will be finished sooner or later.

You may be wondering what is with the picture to the left. No real significance - I just think Asians are funny looking. Look at his smug sense of self-assurance as he thinks to himself, "I so funny, I so funny, I'm the Fonz, tee hee hee, tee hee hee." Silly Asians.

Alright, so if you've been following my little fits of anger with the two douchbags from the previous update, you'll be highly entertained by this conversation one of my fans had with Micah, aka isocyanekustmz. Christ, I could just rip on you for being the epitome of gayness, but you pretty much did that yourself with that conversation.

Basically, Micah makes himself out to be a desperate fuck that would try to get into the pants of any bitch who gives him the time of day. It didn't even matter that he'd never seen the supposed "girl" before, he still tried to set up a date. She could've be a 400 pound orca slut, and it wouldn't matter, he's still down for the plumpers hook up. Shit man, you were talking to a dude, not a girl.

As you read the conversation, notice his over usage of IM smiley faces, only further proof of his fudgepacking and scrotum fondling. Thanks for the submission whoever you are.

Sidenote - April 16, 2004: Approximately 35% of all visitors that come to my site through Google's search engine were searching for an image called "cock" - which the above picture happens to be titled. I just want to say, if you are one of those individuals, you are a sick, sick bastard. Welcome! Enjoy your stay!

In the aftermath of Gulf War II, my national pride and love for my fellow countrymen had reached epic proportions. Combine this patriotism with my natural Midwestern hospitality and I was really feeling in a generous mood.

This mood elevation prompted me to offer a "link exchange" with the creators of a college-student-run website that has achieved semi-popularity in the recent year or so. I was doing so in a sincere effort to boost their web traffic, seeing as I receive over three times the amount of daily unique hits as they do. Well, these two bastards couldn't fathom the idea of an individual college student, running a website off his school's allocated webspace, would have a site that generated more hits and traffic than their own.

They proposed that I link to them first, and if the resulting referral traffic was adequate, they would link to me in return. You silly ignorant whores. Rather than give your site direct and free publicity and endorsement as I had first offered, I will post your screen names, as they are easily accessible public information, and offer this:

If any of you, whether fans, first time viewers, or antagonists of my site, would care to IM these gentleman and give them your "thoughts or opinions," please go right ahead.

Just click on their screen names, it's that easy!

isocyanekustmz & DrBeheadr

Bored? Here's an idea: Go to the AOL Instant Messenger "Buddy Wizard" and find some random person by their random "common interest" Proceed to annoy, bug, and harass the crap out of them about their religion, hobbies, political beliefs, parenting methods, or anything that suits your fancy. With that said...

LazyDogg91: look, I'm jewish, I have no idea where you are comming from with this.
harmless lil boy: Jewish? Don't come at me with these lies, talking bout Channukah and Dreidels and Matzah, shit.
harmless lil boy: Don't hide behind your tall tales just because you know I'm coming for you! You better get off the tracks son, cuz there's a train headed right for your ASS! Choo Choooo, here's comes the ANGRY MINORITY EXPRESS!

I don't check my school voicemail all that often because anyone I truly care to talk to has my cell phone number. Anyways, I decided to listen to my messages this morning and it seems that my internet stalkers have reached an all-time high. A girl from the University of South Alabama left the following message, verbatem:

"Hey Noah, um, I am just an inquiring college student in, um South Alabama. I was wondering when you are going to post the, um sorority, um thing, like you did the sorority girl, like the frat guy. Um, because I got an email from somebody and saw that you copyrighted it, so if you could just post that out, and um, you know get back to me somehow, I dont know. I'll just give you a call later on. Thanks dawg, bye."

What the hell? I'm not shitting you, those are the actual words she said, in that order... I really think I am stupider for having listened to that message. Who really calls a guy about his website at his school phone? Your intelligence is mind boggling dear. Oh, but wait, there's more... she called back later that day with this rousing follow up:

"Hey Noah, um I called about the sorority girl website, but we found it. Um, you did a pretty good job if you made that up and um, South Alabama apreciates that. So if you're ever down south, come visit us at the Kappa Delta house, alright? Love ya babe, bye."

Like seriously, what the hell lady.

Meet DJ $crilla. He's a friend from home who I've known since elementary school when he and my boy, Drew Dawson, got in a fight over a girl in one of those playground love battles. Fast forward to high school... with less of his time focused on fighting over the love and affection of the ladies, $crilla started rapping and making some great music.

Anyways, as a thank you for giving him his own section of Modified Living, he did a little freestyle about my fraternity, Delta Upsilon, here at Bucknell. It's some quality shit, I suggest you check it out. Make sure you spend some time listening to his music as well. Most of it is sorority focused, who knows, your sorority may be featured.

Note to self: If you ever want to hook up with countless sorority girls, become a rapper and write songs about them. I hear it works wonders. Groupies rock.

There are just some people and things in this world that really piss me off for whatever reason. I've decided to channel my anger and frustration in a positive manner by creating an Arch Nemesis Archive. To put it mildly, these things suck at life. I give it to you straight and explain why my hatred for something has grown so much that they it is considered to be an Arch Nemesis of mine. I hate them. You should hate them too.

As time goes on, and new things severely anger me, no doubt the list will grow. Until then, have fun.

Due to the popularity of my Sorority Girl page, I've been getting a lot of requests from people to make a Frat counterpart. Quit nagging me, here it is already:

The Fraternity Guy

Be cool, be fratty, drink a beer and enjoy.

Once again, a dislaimer for those idiots who may take offense at anything that is mentioned on the Frat Guy section... I'm a brother of a fraternity - I'm not anti-frats, I'm not anti-Greek.

It's amazing how much attention I've gotten recently. You would not believe the random people who IM me just to "talk" about my website. Most of the time, the conversation is in relation to my Sorority Girl page and goes a little something like this:

I'm sure all of you have seen the Sorority Girl spoofs and parodies that have been going around the internet. Well, I decided to take a satirical crack at it myself. No doubt you'll be able to see similarities and easily apply it to your college's Sorority life. By the way, I'm not anti-sorority. I'm a member of Greek life myself, so don't get the wrong idea and think I'm an asshole. I'm not an asshole. I'm just a dickhead.

On a completely unrelated note, this video clip is quite possibly one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

Sorry, but all old updates prior to March 21, 2003 drowned in the mighty Susquehanna river when Modified Living tried to save the life of a little puppy (named Charlie) who was washed clear away by flash flooding after a torrential downpour.