I'd like to take a moment to be serious with everyone who may read this little website of mine. Whether you are returning fans, friends of mine, Bucknell students, administrators, my family (sorry Mom), whatever. Usually I relate to you on a satirical and wit-filled sarcastic level, parlaying my college existence through humorous sections of my website, funny pictures, or commentary on anything I see fit; however, at this time I'd like to actually be serious and give you a piece of my mind. As you have read in email from our school's President, hard alcohol was officially banned at Bucknell University, not to mention a score of other ridiculous and unrealistic provisions. I know all you administrators, trustees and the rest of you love reading my website, whatever… do me a favor: listen up and/or blow me.

Academically speaking, I love this school. I have been challenged intellectually and gained so much knowledge since coming here. I have nothing but the utmost respect for every Bucknell professor, as they are truly there for the students and love their jobs. They are simply amazing and I cannot give them enough praise. However, as it stands now with all the hegemonic administrative bullshit, the education at this school is just not enough to make the experience worthwhile.

As I pointed out in the previous update, many of the newly-imposed alcohol regulations were a result of Bucknell's return into Princeton Review's Top 20 for Hard Alcohol. God, I wished I worked for Princeton Review… under the section where it rates the Administration, I wouldn't give Bucknell a number rating. Instead, I'd photocopy a picture of my wang and place in smack in the middle of the report.

This is school is run by money. If you have it, they will listen to you. The administration and President are merely puppets for the big-wig trustees and anyone else who may run this place. Do what they say, stay in their good grace, and you can earn a healthy living as a fat-bastard Dean whom the vast majority of the student population loathes. It's not hypocritical in the slightest for a dean to get a couple of DUIs, subsequently forcing him to ride a yellow scooter around campus, not to mention living residential dorm because his wife kicked him out of his own house. Whatever, he's still the head judiciary Dean of an elite private university; that makes him all the sweeter.

Ha, private university. Shit, I wish I knew all the rights I would lose and all the limitations that would be placed on me upon entering Bucknell. Basically, it's like Communist Russia, and the administration are the fat-cat Czars, eyeing you up for whatever they see fit. When you sign your freshman year housing contract, you more or less forego numerous rights that would regularly be afforded to you under the U.S. Constitution. Take for example the fact that in any judicial matter here, you're not allowed to have any legal representation present and in most circumstances are not informed of what charges are being brought against you, thereby giving you little or no time to prepare any defense. I think Bucknell is the only place I know of that has gotten rid of Patient-Doctor privacy privileges, as guaranteed by normal legal rights. Future Bucknellians, if you were to end up at the hospital because you got too drunk, be aware that the doctors contact the Deans, who then show up at your bedside, interrogate you, and then punish you through the judiciary system a week or so later. President Rogers cited that the hard alcohol ban is in everyone's best interest to prevent an alcohol related death in the near future… Ha! Ever think about the scenario when a student becomes deathly intoxicated with booze and is too frightened to go to the hospital for fear of punishment by the University. You're right, it's only a matter of time before someone dies, however, that death won't be because of drinking hard alcohol alone, it will be because they didn't want to get alcohol "points" from your tyrannical regime. Let's examine the situation of double-jeopardy, shall we? Any alcohol-related legal matter that you may become involved with off-campus, say you get arrested for a DUI, underage consumption, public drunkenness, whatever… Well, not only will you be charged by the local authorities and punished through the court system of Pennsylvania, but Bucknell also gets involved. In most instances, Bucknell is either notified by local police or they have some bitch go through the police blotters of local newspapers looking for the names of Bucknell students and then punish you on top of the state. No really, it's fucking awesome.

I'm not really sure what this school is trying to accomplish. What sort of image are they going for? While they may pull off a nice job presenting Bucknell as this idealistic university, bubbly free from the outside world, ultimately this place is an oppressive and authoritarian community where students live in fear of being punished for punitive issues and gay subjectivity. On a personal side note, I love how Bucknell hired a new Dean of Diversity. Ha, that will look sweet for the magazines and college appraisers, unfortunately the only diversity here are the athletes you brought in to win football and basketball games. This is the most homogeneous population I have seen or heard of since Nazi Germany. This really cracks me up: since Bucknell would fail miserably with a minority percentage to present to outsiders, they instead measure "diversity." Accordingly, I am counted towards the "diversity status" of this campus become I am half-Jewish. Haha, I am "diverse." Sweet. I can't wait to apply for a job later in life under the diversity affirmative action clause. "Excuse mister employer, I think you failed to notice the fact that I am 'diverse,' ergo I should be given a job."

I'm sure some people will get pissed that I am saying this. "Blah, blah, blah, that Noah kid has been trouble ever since he made a website freshman year. He is verbally aggressive, immature and not representative of the typical Bucknell student." You know what? Eat me. You, and you know who I'm talking about, should be more worried with the extreme discontentment of the students and faculty, not what some opinionated dickhead writes on his website. Besides, the vast majority of the students agree with me anyways. So what, the school banned all hard alcohol… it won't do a damn thing. College kids are the same everywhere, we will continue to drink booze and everyone is still gonna rock out like its 1999.

In the end, I could care less if my college experience has been tainted, I will survive. I just feel bad for all the stupid kids that are being duped into coming to this school under false impressions. Come here for the education, not the college experience. Because at this point, it's just not worth it.

Editors Note, April 16, 2004: Since I wrote this post about Bucknell getting more strict on alcohol, six people I personally know that have been suspended from school because of alcohol related offenses. That's just plain absurd.

Okay, um yeh... read this from the President of Bucknell University. Think your college is strict? Try Bucknell, shit. I've added my comments in red. I'm not trying to be funny or witty, just merely showing those of you who look at my site the absurdity of this school's administration. I've had many high school students, and even parents, who've seen my site, email and me with questions about Bucknell, such as: What is the social scene like? Would I enjoy it there? Is it a fun school? From this point on, ignore all my previous positive statements about the University, rather I have two words for those of you who may be thinking of coming here, actually one word: DON'T.

Here's the letter:

To All Students,

This is an important letter. Please read it very carefully, for it may affect your ability to remain a Bucknell student.

As I wrote to you in an open letter in the October 10th Bucknellian, I do truly care what happens to each and every one of you. I explained at that time my reasons for concern and hoped that the dangerous situation that has existed with the abuse of alcohol on this campus throughout this semester would begin to correct itself. It has not. As a result, I am directing changes to our alcohol enforcement which will affect many students who choose to consume alcohol, whether of age or underage.

Please consider the following:

1) By mid-November, 24 Bucknell students had been hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. Several highly intoxicated students have also behaved aggressively with Emergency Room staff, conduct which was almost unheard of in the past.
2) Nine students have been involved in DUI cases, several of which could have ended in fatalities.
3) There have been several home invasions (party crashing and breaking and entering) by intoxicated students.
4) There have been violent incidents related to drinking.
5) Serious quality-of-life infractions have increased, ranging from public urination and defecation to the loud and disruptive use of obscenities late at night.
6) A number of student organizations have recently become embroiled in alcohol-related excesses and acts of dishonesty.
7) This fall Bucknell returned to the top 20 for hard alcohol in The Princeton Review, a category that subjects the University and its students to derision.

These behaviors are not only disruptive to our mission, they are extremely dangerous. I stated clearly in my open letter that I would do everything in my power to prevent the death of that first Bucknell student. I am pleased that student leaders and other students are working with administrators and faculty on long-term solutions, but emergency measures are needed right now. I am therefore directing the immediate implementation of a policy designed to remove students from campus who have committed egregious acts involving alcohol. Whether that removal will consist of a suspension of no less than one year, or permanent expulsion, will depend upon the facts established to my satisfaction. Only such refunds as are required by law will be repaid to an offending student. If the penalty is suspension, I am directing that the Office of Financial Aid shall not consider any application for reinstatement of Bucknell aid if the student is readmitted. This emergency but necessary policy will remain in effect until September 2004, after which it shall be reevaluated by the administration for continued effectiveness and considered in the context of other steps being taken by then. These policy changes are presented in three parts.

I. Acts which will trigger suspension or expulsion:

1) Participation in dangerous drinking games, including those involving the use of hard liquor, on or off campus.
2) Drinking which is accompanied by any act of physical violence which causes injury.
3) Any D.U.I. incident.
4) Involvement in an incident of alcohol-related hazardous hazing.
5) Hosting of off-campus parties at which guests become highly intoxicated and/or involved in any of the above listed activities. Tenants of off-campus units should be aware that they can incur additional criminal prosecutions, including jail terms, and civil penalties if they procure or provide alcohol to underage guests. So basically, if you throw a party off campus, you are responsible for the actions of ALL in attendance, and will face punishments from both the University and the state of Pennsylvania.
6) Consumption of alcohol to a dangerous level of intoxication. How subjective is this?!

Partial amnesty: The partial amnesty provisions of the current code will remain in effect. Therefore, on a one-time basis, a person who has dangerously consumed alcohol and seeks help will still be assigned only one point and will not be subject to the full application of these emergency response measures. The same provision will also apply if the call for help is made by a friend of the person who has consumed and is in difficulty.

II. All hard liquor (defined as beverages with an alcohol content of 15% or greater) is banned on campus. The points assigned to any violation of the University Alcohol Policy will be doubled when hard liquor is involved, so that the required leave given for 8 points is reached twice as fast. Can you say prohibition? That is certainly one way to get off Princeton Review's Top 20 for Hard Alcohol. (In case you aren't familiar with Bucknell policy, everything you do here related to alcohol offenses is given a point value. If you chalk up 8 points, which is not hard to do given that underage consumption is 2 points, you are kicked out of school.)

In addition to the stringent measures we are announcing for abusers of alcohol, I have simultaneously directed the Dean of Students to implement lesser sanctions on students in certain circumstances who have not exhibited self-destructive, dangerous or excessive behaviors. In keeping with a suggestion made by staff who deal with Greek Life, I have also directed modification of the Plan for Prominence in Fraternity and Sorority Affairs that relates to risk management violations. Those modifications to the alcohol code which entail a reduction in point assignment are noted below:

1) "In presence of" violation with negative voluntary PBT (portable breathalyzer test administered by Public Safety Officer) by underage persons: 0 points. It used to be if you were under 21 and were in the presence of alcohol, even if you werent drinking, you would recieve points.
2) Incidental possession of alcohol by an underage person in a public area with negative voluntary PBT: 0 points.
3) "In presence of" without negative PBT by underage person: .5 points.
4) Beer and wine (or other beverage containing less than 15% alcohol) only - first offense: Presence of moderate amounts of alcohol in the room of an underage person; possession or consumption by a person of age in a room where all of the residents are underage; possession and/or consumption or attempt to purchase alcohol by an underage person; possession of an open container, regardless of age: 1 point. (Penalties will revert to 2 points after the first offense.)
5) Students who have 4 or fewer points on October 1 of the senior year will have those points forgiven. Higher totals will remain on the record.

Please know that the decisions outlined above were not reached lightly. They were made after consultation with key administrators and represent a synthesis of numerous campus conversations and input from students, faculty, staff and parents. They were made also with the unanimous support of the Board of Trustees. To be blunt, the intent is to address the more serious offenses with more serious consequences. At the same time, I hope you see that we lessened penalties for students who have committed minor and/or limited offenses. We encourage a rich campus social experience but need to recognize the potential for serious injury or death, and we hope these modifications will allow a balanced and controlled social environment.

Again, I want you to enjoy Bucknell to the fullest and that includes a robust yet reasonable social life. The caveat is that I want each of you to live to complete the Bucknell experience. Our Vice President for Student Affairs, Charles Pollock, will be sharing with you under separate cover additional ways we can help you with compliance with these new policies.

As always, all the best! Yeh, sweet. My college existence has been limited to the rights of Communist China. All the best, AWESOME.

Steffen H. Rogers,
President

President Rogers is "retiring early" at the end of the 2004 school year. Let's hope the new guy has his head on straight and not up some Trustee's ass. New guy, if you would like to schedule a meeting with me for an exclusive Modified Living interview, call my secretary.

The other week, while driving home from my lacrosse game at Shippensburg, I noticed a beautiful Victorian home with a brown goat tied up in the front yard! Considering that feeding my shoe to a goat is one of my three major goals in life you can understand my excitement. You may be thinking that's an odd goal to have, while at the same time wondering what the other goals might be. Allow me to explain:

Goal #1 - Feed a random goat my shoe, as it was my understanding that goats eat anything, especially delicious Saucony running shoes. Sadly, this wasn't the case and the goat instead tried to spear me with his horns.

Goal #2 - By the age of thirty, own a pot-bellied pig, name him Porkchop, and have his diet consist solely of bacon, sausage, ham and other pork products. For those of you who might think that's sick, it's really not. The concept is obviously just too profound for you to grasp. You ignorant fuck.

Goal #3 - My first born son shall have the middle name of "Danger." Yes, while I admit he will undoubtedly be mocked, harassed and subsequently traumatized as a youth, once he reaches an age of maturity he will come to me and thank me for the most BADASS middle name in the history of all things sweet. "Danger is my middle name." Holy crap, that sounds so fucking cool. I shit you not, my future wife must sign a prenuptial agreement which will explicitly state the "first born son-Danger" clause. If she disagrees, I'm sorry but I can't marry her.

Maybe this odd fascination stems from the fact that I was never given a middle name. Instead, my mother, still hell-bent on her feminist and pot smoking hippie ideals, decided to keep her last name when marrying, thereby bastardizing her children to lives with brutally long hyphenated last names. Imagine learning to spell your name in kindergarten and coming to the realization that, given your five year old handwriting, your full name would not fit on normal lined paper. Awesome. There I was, trying to impress the ladies with my stylish 80s race-striped sweat pants and my above par finger painting skills, but no… I'll forever be remembered as the kid who had to tape two pieces of paper together in order to write his fucking name.

Hello my loving and adoring modified minions. Yes, I realize that I haven't updated in a little bit. It would seem that I lead a semi-productive life here at college and sometimes lack the time to get the creative juices flowing. Mom, send more adderall.

It was also my 21st birthday last Monday, so I've been resting up a little after that whole ordeal. Let's just say that when the bartender cut me off at 18 drinks my good friend proceeded to harass and taunt the bartender, questioning the validity of his heterosexual preference. Consequently, he is banned from the only real bar in Lewisburg until he apologizes in an acceptable manner. I would relate to you the rest of the night, however, it seems that some members of Bucknell's administration read my website fairly often, ergo, it would not be in the best interest of some for me to go into details. It was a lot of fun, that's it.

Speaking of Bucknell, the Dean's office experienced a temporary lapse of judgment in which they entrusted me to completely revamp and redesign the Greek Life website. While it doesn't have my usual anti-Asian propaganda, characteristic "immature" videos, or necessary offensive language, it does look pretty. At the very least you can check out the sorority directory and stalk yourself a Bucknellian. Happy hunting.

Editor's Note: I quit being the webmaster for the Greek Life site when my frat was suspended, so if it looks gay and unprofessional now... I didn't do it.

Yeh. So I've gotten back into the swing of school, which leaves me little time to think of and update with new material. However, I did manage to get my Junior Year Pictures up and running with some good shots from this school year so far.

Also, it looks like my high school buddy, and modifiedliving.com's own, DJ $crilla is making his way to my school, Bucknell University, to perform at a registered party thrown by one of the fraternities here. $crilla, you will be simply amazed at the amount of little rich white kids who eat up your music even though 75% of them have never seen a black man before. Should be a good time.

Haha, check out this Public Safety report of some stupid freshman here at Bucknell. It may be one of the funniest things I've seen in months. Make special note to the fact that he attempted to bribe the Public Safety officers with a case of beer. Dude, that's awesome.

It's about fucking time!

I've been working on this section on and off for a little bit now. More or less, it's a look at what would happen if a group of four Sorority Girls were to get in a fight with different people, objects, diseases, etc. For those of you who think Chlamydia wouldn't put up a good fight, think again! What about Sorority Girls versus God? Shit, everyone knows God is so washed up and well past his brawlin' prime. The last good fight he put up was when he was layin' the pipe to Jesus' mom 2,000 years ago.

On that note, I give to you: Sorority Smackdown

Christ, I feel like a certified piece of shit. DJ $crilla comes through with more updates in nine goddamn days than I can muster up during the entire fucking summer. Check out his new modifiedliving.com exclusives for the ladies of Alpha Chi Omega and Pi Beta Phi.

Whatever, we are supposed to get hit by Hurricane Isabel sometime in the next six hours so all my time and energy has been going towards filling sand bags and building my ark. And before the torrential downpour and winds were threatening, I was way too occupied with Rush and my other fratastic duties. Speaking of Greek life, make sure you take a look at my College Videos to witness Adam DeBoey, the frattiest Frat guy I know, serving up some whoop ass in our school's library. Oh YEH!

Don't get your panties in a bundle... I'm back. Summer was good, relaxing and enjoyable as I had hoped. I received a lot of emails this summer, bitching and moaning about the lack of updates and what not. Honestly, what do I look like to you? I'm not some little midget in a cage here for your entertainment. However, I feel like I should add some new content for those of you who have nothing better to do than complain. Therefore, look for a new Sorority themed section that I've been working on, coming in a week or so.

I may have been a lazy fucking bum this summer, but my boy DJ $crilla was working overtime and has some hot new tracks for your listening enjoyment. $crilla has officially joined the modifiedliving.com crew (bringing the team to a whopping two fucking people) with some exclusive tracks found no where else. Almost all of his music featured on modifiedliving.com is Greek Life focused... maybe your sorority or fraternity is featured? Check it out.

One yet another note, my buddy Asian Paul somehow came down with a case of gout in his foot, only further proving my previous claims that Asians are silly little creatures. Who the fuck gets gout these days? Wasn't that shit eradicated in the Great Depression? Looks like no more ninja games and guerilla-gook warfare for a little bit... feel better big guy, err, little guy.