Fuck Sports Illustrated, Kevin Bettencourt (junior co-captain of this years NCAA tourney cinderella team, the Bucknell Bison) realizes where his loyalties lie. That's why, after clearing it with his agent/publicist/girlfriend, he's allowed me to ask him a couple questions for a Modified Living exclusive interview.

First off, congratulations! How does it feel to be the second most famous student at Bucknell University? (Besides me, of course).

Well when you have somebody as famous as you roaming campus then obviously you strive for that second position and to achieve such a high status is just simply a dream come true. It was a fun run we had and I am definitely enjoying the benefits of a higher status on campus.

For those who aren't familiar, your nickname is "The Kid." Our female fans are hoping that moniker doesn't have any reference to your family jewels. Set the record straight, what's the origin of "The Kid?"

I can assure you that "The Kid's" family jewels do not fit that description, but "The Kid" was a joke nickname that the ladies found fitting so I figured I'd go with it.

Speaking of the ladies, I know you are happily involved in a wonderful relationship right now, but between me and you and the thousands who are reading this, aren’t you tempted by the crazy boy-band ass you could be getting right now on campus?

It's obviously tempting, but I am happily in love and very satisfied. However, I do find great joys in seeing my teammates finally receive "extra" benefits from the lady population on campus. Being a captain, it is your job to lead your teammates in the right direction.

So, if you're not satisfying the eager Bucknell women, then who on the team has been residing as the mayor of Pound Town?

Well we have a lot of team members currently "in love" but the few who aren’t can't hold a candle to the man they call "Freak" aka Tarik Viaer-McClymont, who I like to think is the most eligible bachelor at Bucknell University.

That's what I like to hear. On another note, I'm curious, did you drop any sweet lines to Kansas players after the win, like, “Hey Dorothy, I don’t think you’re in Kansas anymore … BITCH!”

I personally did not say any comments but an unnamed teammate of mine (#4) told some Kansas players to "Get the Fuck out my gym" as we danced around like ass clowns on the court.

That's wonderful, too bad ESPN didn't run a clip of that. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, who would win in a dance contest, Charles Lee or D. Brown?

Well between the two they are pretty evenly matched but the man with the most moves, who should be considered the best dancer but most unlilkely to dance, would be Chris Niesz. His moves are amazing and cannot be rivaled, especially if you find him dancing on couches throughout campus.

So there you have it. Not only does Kev have a great sense of humor, but he is also a warrior on the court. And, speaking of warriors (Sorry, I needed some sort of segway, give me a break), check out my new piece which spoofs that Nike 'Warriors' commercial that is always on TV.

I'm exhausted, I'm hoarse, and I probably have Chlamydia. Sounds like one helluva spring break in my book and I bet you want to hear all about it? Believe me, I would love to give you all the raunchy and explicit details, unfortunately I would then have to kill you. While I can't give you the specifics of our trip, for various reasons including (but not limited to) my mother, my dignity, significant others, international drug trafficking laws, the fact my probation officer reads my site weekly, and the Geneva Convention's stance on the ethical treatment for prisoner's of war, I can however give you some of the better highlights:

• First up, our entire trip almost come to a screeching halt on Day 3 when a hotel official and security guard came to our room to inform us that we were to be kicked out of the resort. Apparently, seventeen complaints had been filed against us, ranging from excessive noise at 5 AM, to intimidating and threatening European vacationers, to destroying our hotel rooms the two previous nights. Fortunately, I had befriended an upper level manager named Ricardo the night before at the 24-hour bar. Actually, I didn't so much as befriend him as I repeatedly turned down his homosexual advances towards me -- although, he did drop a sweet line when he told me that my hair color matched his sheets and that he'd love to take me back to compare. Anyways, we told Ricardo about our little predicament and he sorted the entire situation out with the low-ranking stooge that had been giving us problems. No doubt he just banged him in the ass and told him we were under his protection, because you know what, we're that fucking sweet.

• Having all eleven of us huddled around a speaker phone, listening as one of our friends from home gave us play by play while our Bucknell Bison upset the little girlie men of Kansas in the first round of the NCAA tourney -- now all you sluts can stop saying you've never heard of my school. Definitely watch the video clip of that moment, it's fucking priceless.

• "The Rick" -- I could easily make an entire website dedicated to this forty-something dude we met down at our resort, as he was one of the funniest individuals I have ever met. Just click the link to see our pictures and videos -- words really can't do the man justice.

• Two 30 year old French women getting "stuffed" by American "freedom fries." Oh, and in case you're partially retarded, by "freedom fries" I mean penises.

• Asian Paul's drunken proclamation to a group of twenty-five Spaniards that he hated them and despised their country, to which they replied that they would leave the bar if he chugged an entire bottle of wine. Not one to disappoint, Paul stood up on a chair with "8-mile" like fashion in front of about forty spectators and pounded the whole bottle. Cheers erupted, the Spanish queerbags left the bar, and Paul vomited shortly thereafter.

• Having to put an 11 year old and 9 year old to bed because their 36 year old MILF of a mother was drunk and stoned in our room until 6 AM.

Screw it, no more stories. See for yourself: Spring Break 2005.

Alright you web junkies, I've got the smack you've been looking for... yet another DOMC match is complete! Make sure you take a gander at the picture sections -- I've also got some videos up as well that you won't want to miss.

Moving on -- it's a well established fact that I'm headed to the fiery depths of hell for all the stupid shit I've pulled in my life, so I figured that a chartiable and noble deed might do me some good in the long run. To that affect... this one goes out to all my fellow Bucknell students, however, the rest of the internet viewing world can lend a helping hand as well -- my boy Timmo is throwing a giant bash to raise money for Lou Gehrig's Disease. I told him he should raffle off cheap hookers as a door prize but for some reason he didn't agree -- whatever, I still think it's a great idea. Check out all the details at staytough.fightHARD.

And finally, I apologize to all for all you sacks of apathetic shit that live vicariously through my site, but I'm headed down to the Dominican Republic this weekend for Spring Break. I should be back in 10 days or so -- as long as I don't get kidnapped by one of the many guerilla groups down there or I don't end up in jail for smuggling cocaine in my rectum. You never know though, both are very possible.

Rock on.

Procrasto-Links: (Submit your own)

PS. There are a couple new fan signs -- keep 'em coming.

In case you've been living under a rock as of late, Paris Hilton's laptop was hacked about two weeks ago and the cell numbers for many of Hollywood's finest were publicized on the internet. That night, I probably spent a good hour or so trying to get a hold of any celebrity I could. Aside from talking to Fred Durst for about 15 seconds, and leaving messages for both Vin Diesel and Luke Wilson, my conversations weren't very interesting. After realizing that many of the A-listers already had their numbers changed, I decided to try some of the random names that I couldn't readily identify as superstars.

Randomly, I picked out a guy named "Louis Sentanni" and gave him a ring -- no one answered and I got the voicemail. (Side note: I'm not exaggerating when I say that this was quite possibly the oddest voicemail message I have ever heard. I couldn't tell if it was a man, a woman, or a cat being molested.) At the end of the message this guy left his web address, LaughterByLou.com, and being the internet sleuth that I am, I decided to take a gander. As it turns out, this Lou character was none other than the kid who had the semi-popular song "Shaniqua" that was featured on MTV and VH1 back in the day (like 4 or 5 years ago I wanna say).

Fast forward to last Monday -- I am sitting at the bar having a couple drinks when I check my phone and realize I have a missed call from a number that I couldn't identify. Naturally, I call back... no answer ... and then I recognize Lou's nutball voicemail message. Why the hell was this guy calling me? So, being the stupid drunk that I am, I start to talk some shit while leaving my message, saying something to the affect of, "Is Shaniqua there? Why aren't you answering your phone, quit being a little bitch."

Believe it or not, the next night Lou calls me back at like 3 AM, however I was slightly "indisposed" at that particular moment and told him to call me back some other time. Sure enough, the next afternoon I get a call from Lou and we talked for about 10 minutes or so -- here's a brief excerpt:

Me: "So, what are you up to?"
Lou: "Man, I'm high as hell."
Me: "Haha, really? What'd you take?
Lou: "Smoked some weed."
Me: "Dude, you won't succeed in Hollywood until you start doing coke."
Lou: "No way, I have never touched the stuff -- I refuse to."
Me: "Do you know why Lindsay Lohan is so hot right now?"
Lou: "No, why?"
Me: "Because she fucking snorts a lot of COKE!"

And another one:

Me: "I gotta get going -- maybe I'll give you a call later when I'm drunk."
Lou: "Why, you want me to come over for a booty call?"
[Awkard silence on my part]
Me: "Umm... no."
Lou: "Ha, I'm just fucking with ya man. I've got a gay friend who always calls me up when he's shitfaced and is like 'Duuude, come over and suck my dick' -- and he says this even though he knows I'm blatantly not gay. Funny guy."
[Even longer awkard silence on my part]
Me: "Umm, yer kinda creeping me out here Lou."
Lou: "Sorry. Yeh, I'm pretty high still, my bad."

So in summation:
1) Lou smokes a lot of pot but won't dabble with the nose-candy.
2) He may have homosexual tendencies.
3) I have way too much free time on my hands.

Procrasto-Links: (Submit your own)

Hot off the presses! We have a winner in the first match of the DOMC between Frank, the tournament's #1 seed and the fan-favorite, #8 seed, Asian Paul. Let me tell you, it was a wonderful way to start the contest -- complete with loads of vomit, body-slamming, and more social awkwardness than you can even imagine. Badass... this is seriously the coolest idea ever.

Also, I've decided to create a Fan Sign section for the site. Why? Because I'm an egomaniac.

Since it’s almost March and the NCAA basketball tournament is fast approaching, I figured I would make my own tourney of sorts. Why? Because I am that cool. Announcing quite possibly the greatest idea I have had in at least two weeks: The Drunk Off - Man Challenge.

Essentially, this competition is made up of eight gladiators who were carefully selected to take part in a battle of booze, debauchery and badassness. Throughout the course of the next month and a half, competitors will engage in head-to-head matches of sheer alcoholic glory which are documented and photographed to bring you all the black-out mayhem. The winner of each match is determined by a panel of unbiased judges, namely myself and close associates, and is determined based on the loose stipulations set forth in the Rules & Guidelines section.

Let the games begin!

Procrasto-Links: (Submit your own)

Okay, it's like 3:30 in the morning, but I just found this online and had to post it because I love you all so much. Apparently Paris Hilton's laptop was hacked and the contact information for some of Hollywood's finest have been publicized on the internet -- the likes of Eminem, Lindsay Lohan, Christina Aguilera, Andy Roddick, Ashlee Simpson, Victoria Gotti, Vin Diesel, Anna Kournikova and tons more. Check it out HERE -- (update 2/21 4:55 PM EST - Site's been busted and taken down.)

There were also pictures (this still works) from Paris' camera phone of her topless and making out with another girl.