So, the other day, I received a mysterious voicemail on my cell phone from some guy, claiming to be a lawyer, who left a very non-descript message regarding my usage of copyrighted images on this website. He stated that his client had emailed me earlier in the week to inform me I was using his visual property illegally, and that I had better "remedy the situation."

Naturally, I checked my Modified Living mailbox, and sure enough, I found this little gem of an email:

Dear Noah,

Although your Amish porn site is slightly amusing, my Amish friends might not think so. You have used four of our copyright protected images without my permission, which is in direct violation of US Copyright laws. If you haven’t removed them in 48 hours we will start legal proceedings.

Sincerely,

Bill Coleman
www.amishphoto.com

Considering I rarely do what I'm told the first time around, especially when someone takes an authoritative stance with me who has no reason doing so, I then offered him this cordial reply:

Bil-Bo-Baggins,

I have just received a voice mail from your associate (nice stalking on the cell phone number by the way) which prompted me to check this email address, which is not checked with any standard regularity, so my apologies for the past due reply.

As it would turn out, I am quite well versed in copyright laws, specifically those related to the Internet and intellectual property, so naturally, you should have either your Copyright Office application forms stamped/verified by the appropriate authority, or the verified return forms issued from the Copyright Office that clearly state copyright approval was given for the specific images in question.

If you would kindly produce this documentation, I would have no problem whatsoever in removing the content in question. I have also CC'd my own representation, as I do with all matters concerning legal ramifications..

Thank you for your time,

Noah

Two days went by, no word from Bill, no word from his "lawyer," no Amish hitmen knocking on my door... hmm, I wondered if all had been forgotten?

To be continued ? [dramatic pause]

Ok, obviously the situation wasn't over, or I wouldn't be writing this update... you fucking idiot. Anyways, last night I received an incoming call on the celly cell from an unrecognizable number. Sure enough, it was Mr. Bill Coleman, who, from the sound of his voice and the fact he had to turn his hearing aide up halfway through the conversation (I'm serious), is about 85 years old. Bill went into this long winded story about how he has been documenting this one Amish community in central Pennsylvania for over 30 years, and how he has these deep-seeded relationships built with them, and how they have come to trust him, and how they let him commit acts of bestiality with their farm animals.... mmm, goats are sexy.

He then went on to say that the Amish elders of this community have become infuriated after hearing that their pictures are not only being posted on the internet, but that they are being associated with elicit and sexual connotations. I was then quick to point out that Amish people don't have electricity, and therefore wouldn't be able to view Amish Porn on the internet.

Bill supported my no electricity theory, but then went on to explain -- As it turns out, one of the images used on my site is in fact a picture of the Chief elder's daughter. Someone from the outside world saw this (editor's note: this guy must've been looking at Amish porn in the first place), and let the Amish community know their pictures were being misconstrued with smut on the World Wide Web. According to Bill, this girl is now 18 years old, and slightly ticked off that her image is being used. I don't know about you, but she's pretty hot... for a 4 year old. I bet she's smokin' gorgeous now. Oh well, I would've told her to call me for a romp in the hay (pun intended), but then I remembered that her people don't have phones. Ha, those Amish really are silly bastards.

So back to the legal garble... After Bill was finished with his Amish rant, I informed him that he really didn't have any copyright documentation for his supposed images, and that he simply watermarked his photos with a "©." Bill reluctantly agreed that I was "technically" right, however, he suggested that it was my "moral duty and obligation" to the Amish community to take them down.

Last time I checked, I don't have a moral obligation to really anyone. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I've been called "morally bankrupt" on more than one occasion. However, it just so happened that today I was feeling nicer than normal, and decided to honor the wishes of the Amish community and take down their pictures... if, and only if the following demands are met:

1) I want a lifetime supply of those delicious Amish baked goods.
2) I want these pictures (1, 2) printed by Bill and framed for my apartment.
3) I want to be "milked" once a week by that 18 year old Amish girl.

Bill... Amish people of America ... I await your response.

Senior week was absolutely amazing and served as a lovely culmination for every bad habit I've ever encountered in college. I've got pictures galore, check those out. And in case you were wondering, I'm now officially a scholastic black belt. I graduated. Imagine that.

Actually, I take back that sarcasm. I think at times I may make myself sound like a fuck-up, but that's really the furthest from the truth. I’m not a bad student, less any of you actually think that. I mean, I certainly had my run-ins with the Bucknell administration, ranging from having my fraternity suspended, to internet inappropriateness, to impregnating the dean of Greek Life’s wife. (Oh wait, sorry Dean Marrara, I bet your wife never broke that one to you. My bad. No but really, I fathered your youngest son.) But all in all, I'm a super-dee duper guy, don't believe the hype. (Okay, I'm just going on this tangent in case any future employers Google my name and find this little website.)

Which brings us to what many of you may be wondering: what’s the future of Modified Living? Well, that’s a mighty good question, unfortunately I can’t give you an answer right now. Per usual, I will be taking the summer off from the majority of my internet exploits, as I have done every previous year. In addition to finding myself some sort of real-world job (anyone have any offers?), I have to sit down and consider the path I want to take with Modified Living. Although, it has crossed my mind to just overhaul the entire site with porn. Mmm, porn.

And on closing, I would like to thank the bag boy at my local grocery store in Cleveland who awkwardly approached me as I was in the check out line the other day, just to shake my hand and tell me he was a "big fan" of the website. So there you have it, I am now readily recognized in public for my internet celebrity status.

God, I am so much cooler than you.

Well, congratulations to me -- I'm officially done with my undergraduate college career. All that's left is graduation next weekend and then you'll be hearing from a self-proclaimed Internet Celebrity... with a college degree. Hot shit, I know.

Oh, and don't expect to hear from me for the next seven days or so, since I'll be heading down to Hilton Head in about 3 hours for yet another glorious "Senior Week." If you're a true fan of Modified Living, or perhaps one of my many eccentric stalkers, you would know that this is my second trip down south, as I decided to go my junior year as well. Don't remember? Here are some pictures from last year.

All in all, it should be pretty crazy -- imagine my spring break adventures, and then add another 200 of my closest friends. Looks like a potent recipe for unbridled debauchery, destruction and mayhem. Actually, let's hope for as little destruction as possible... I just remembered my name is on the lease for our house. Fuck. Goodbye security deposit.

I think this is hate mail -- not sure though. It looks really angry... or maybe it’s just exuberant happiness from a Deutschland sorority girl? Anyone speak German?

Wenn du wüsstest...wenn DU WÜSSTEST!!!!!!!!!!!!

DU BIST SO EIN ASSOZIALER TYP MAN SOLLTE DICH WEGSPERREN!!!!!!ICH HOFFE DU UND DEINE BEKNACKTEN FREUNDE;JA ICH HOFFE DAS IHR VON UNSEREN DEUTSCHEN TRUPPEN IRGENDWANN ÜBER DEN HAUFEN GESCHOSSEN WERDET!!!!DU SOLLS VERRECKEN!!!WAS DU DA MIT DEN HAMSTERN MACHST IST UNFASSBAR!!!!WENN DU WÜSSTEST...WENN DU WÜSSTEST WAS DU DA ANSTELLST....ich kann es nicht verstehen...Aber sowas arrogantes...du bist genau einer von diesem verschlag wenn amn auf der Stelle dem erschießungskomando vorführen sollte...

Such dir bloss ein anderes Hobby geh zur Disko oder pump dich mit drogen dich, fahr gegen nene baum und ruhe ist!!!GENAU VERZEIH DICH VON DIESER WELT!!!!

WENN ICH DICH IRGENDWANN MAL AUF DER STRAßE ANTREFFE;glaube mir,ich werde eine Regentonne dabei haben, ich werde meine schrotflinte dabei haben, ich werde ich ....

International hate mail, badass.

A couple months ago I was informed that Tim Burton will be directing the remake of one of my all-time favorite movies: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Amazing, I know. And what's even more badass is that this new movie will be starring Johnny Depp as a crazier and super coked out version of the original Wonka. As a tribute to this new movie, I felt it only appropriate that I watch the old one for what seems like the 612th time. Anyways, about halfway through the film my mind started to wander...

After some thought, I came to the realization that WWATCF is more than just a silly kids movie about golden tickets, copious amounts of sugary treats, and orange faced midgets doing dance routines. Nay, what this movie really does is force you on an emotional and cinematic rollercoaster which takes aim at the important moral and cultural issues of our society: greed, homoeroticism, perception of self-worth, good versus evil, the plight of the socioeconomically less fortunate, and the dark world of grandfather/grandson incestual pedophilia.

Throw all these wonderful ingredients into a giant Crock-Pot, add some chocolate syrup, a couple gumdrops, and Grandpa Joe's daily heart medication, and what you get is a deliciously tasty blockbuster of monumental proportions! Alright, so maybe I'm reading a bit too much into the subtext, or it could be all the Angel Dust I've been blowing as of late, but I'm telling you, there is something special about this movie.

Perhaps I've been writing about college hijinks for too long (or maybe it's that Angel Dust again), but for some reason my thought process has become completely enmeshed with seeing everything from an analytical college approach. Given this mindset, I began to see numerous parallels between the characters, places and themes of WWATCF that eerily resembled many identities and facets of college existence. If you look closely, you'll recognize that this glorious movie is just one giant metaphoric examination, detailing and critiquing college life as we know it.

If you don't believe me, see for yourself.

Many of you may be wondering if I'm still alive... well, obviously I am. Sorry for the lack of updating, but I've been consumed with the last couple weeks of my college career. Essentially, I've been running on a schedule that seems to violate all given social norms: I go to bed at 5:00 AM, wake up at 4:00 PM, eat some breakfast at 4:30 PM, partake in one random act of productivity (whether that be video games, checking my email or showering), only to then commence with my nightly activity of getting blacked the fuck out. Rinse, wash, repeat.

So yeh, I've been either too drunk or too hung-over to get the necessary creativity flowing to work on the site. Look at the bright side though, I'm having a lot more fun than you bastards who are just sitting by your computers, waiting for me to update. Silly rabbits.

Alright, it's now 4:45 in the morning, which means it's almost time for bed. On that note, I will try to find some time to update in the coming week... maybe.

"Blah, blah, blah update the DOMC already!"

Jesus Christ, you people need to stop living vicariously through the drunken antics of my friends and go make some memories of your own. I don't think you realize how busy my life is with the grueling two days of classes per week, GOSH!

Okay, who am I kidding? I'm just lazy. It has crossed my mind that if a normal person had as much weekly free time as I normally have, they would've probably cured cancer by now. But hell, where's the fun in that? So enough bitching already, here's my weekly contribution to society: DOMC Update.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, I happened to get my greasy paws on the screen name for Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps. We had a thrilling 10 minute conversation, discussing everything from the war in Iraq, to his lusting for some girl who won't bang him, to even the most taboo of subjects: his infamous DUI. To make this situation even weirder, this same girl who Phelps wants to stick it to happens to be a fan of my website. This of course resulted in her IMing me, begging me to not post her screen name (which M.P. mentioned in his convo with me). She then claimed that she would go so far as to send me topless photos of herself in exchange for total anonymity on this site. So in conclusion, I am the proud new owner of three compromising photos of some chick that Michael Phelps wants to penetrate.Hey Mikey, if you want those pics for your personal spank bank, hit me up.

Fuck Sports Illustrated, Kevin Bettencourt (junior co-captain of this years NCAA tourney cinderella team, the Bucknell Bison) realizes where his loyalties lie. That's why, after clearing it with his agent/publicist/girlfriend, he's allowed me to ask him a couple questions for a Modified Living exclusive interview.

First off, congratulations! How does it feel to be the second most famous student at Bucknell University? (Besides me, of course).

Well when you have somebody as famous as you roaming campus then obviously you strive for that second position and to achieve such a high status is just simply a dream come true. It was a fun run we had and I am definitely enjoying the benefits of a higher status on campus.

For those who aren't familiar, your nickname is "The Kid." Our female fans are hoping that moniker doesn't have any reference to your family jewels. Set the record straight, what's the origin of "The Kid?"

I can assure you that "The Kid's" family jewels do not fit that description, but "The Kid" was a joke nickname that the ladies found fitting so I figured I'd go with it.

Speaking of the ladies, I know you are happily involved in a wonderful relationship right now, but between me and you and the thousands who are reading this, aren’t you tempted by the crazy boy-band ass you could be getting right now on campus?

It's obviously tempting, but I am happily in love and very satisfied. However, I do find great joys in seeing my teammates finally receive "extra" benefits from the lady population on campus. Being a captain, it is your job to lead your teammates in the right direction.

So, if you're not satisfying the eager Bucknell women, then who on the team has been residing as the mayor of Pound Town?

Well we have a lot of team members currently "in love" but the few who aren’t can't hold a candle to the man they call "Freak" aka Tarik Viaer-McClymont, who I like to think is the most eligible bachelor at Bucknell University.

That's what I like to hear. On another note, I'm curious, did you drop any sweet lines to Kansas players after the win, like, “Hey Dorothy, I don’t think you’re in Kansas anymore … BITCH!”

I personally did not say any comments but an unnamed teammate of mine (#4) told some Kansas players to "Get the Fuck out my gym" as we danced around like ass clowns on the court.

That's wonderful, too bad ESPN didn't run a clip of that. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, who would win in a dance contest, Charles Lee or D. Brown?

Well between the two they are pretty evenly matched but the man with the most moves, who should be considered the best dancer but most unlilkely to dance, would be Chris Niesz. His moves are amazing and cannot be rivaled, especially if you find him dancing on couches throughout campus.

So there you have it. Not only does Kev have a great sense of humor, but he is also a warrior on the court. And, speaking of warriors (Sorry, I needed some sort of segway, give me a break), check out my new piece which spoofs that Nike 'Warriors' commercial that is always on TV.