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Due
largely to the recent outcry of animal cruelty and the urging of
friends, family and personal advisors, I feel as if it is my moral
obligation to fully explain myself:
It is with deep
regret that I come to you, the internet viewing audience, and
publicly apologize for my deceptive actions. The entire Save
Vincent page was a farce, a ruse, fictional -- whatever
you want to call it. Initially, I did not consider the true extent
to which the hamster loving world, animal rights activists, and
vegan terrorists would react to such a satirical piece. Along
those lines, I want to personally thank all of you who felt it
necessary to contact PETA, local law agencies, my web-hosting
company, and officials at my University about my despicable act
of animal cruelty.
In fact, I didn't
mind that you posted my phone number online and called me at odd
hours of the night -- I still love you. It's fine that you took
the liberty of posting maps to my school, my dorm and the graphical
layout of my floor so that anyone could stop by to say "hello"
-- I still love you. It's even understandable that you posted comments
on your web forums about offering $200 to hire a petty thug to beat
me down -- I still love you.
I now realize
you weren't trying to be malicious or menacing - of course not,
you are all civilized and sane people and respect people just as
much as animals. Instead, you were just trying to show me how much
you really cared about me as a person. Because of your over-abundance
of kindness and dedication, I have seen the light and have become
wiser because of it. You have helped me come to the realization
that that I am truly a sick and twisted person that needs severe
psychological and emotional assessment, and for that, I thank you.
But the question
still remains, why would I threaten to do such a dastardly awful
thing to an innocent little animal in order to raise $500? Allow
me to explain:
(Warning,
this story is extremely sad and unfortunate. If you happen to have
a weak heart, I would recommend getting a box of tissues because
this is certainly a tear-jerker.)
 Meet
my friend Harold. You see, Harold was born half hamster - half Asian
boy, or as he refers to himself, a Hamasian. Born to a Vietnamese
immigrant, Harold's father was but a hamster stowaway that was aboard
the same bamboo raft Harold's mother was traveling upon on her way
to America. Over the course of their month long journey, this scallywag
of a hamster repeatedly planted his seed into Harold's mother's
love canal (unbeknownst to her, as this was done while she slept).
Nine months later, she gave birth to the hideous man beast you now
see before you.
If you would
kindly fast forward 18 years… I was introduced to Harold during
our freshman orientation at college. Obviously, I befriended him
right away because I am just that type of great guy. Over the course
of my four years at this fine institution of higher education I
became a trusted and close friend of Harold's - I brought him out
to parties, stuck up for him when he was bullied because of his
freakish appearance, and occasionally spoiled him with grapes, celery
and other treats that Hamasians are so very fond of.
Anyways, about
two months ago Harold came to my room with tears of happiness streaming
down his face. He went on to tell me that thanks to new technological
and medical advancements, he could now have the reconstructive surgery
that would allow him to become a real man. However, this sense of
joy and excitement was quickly extinguished when Harold informed
me that he lacked the necessary funds to pay for such an expensive
operation. Given that I'm both a self-proclaimed internet celebrity
and a loyal friend, I took it upon myself to use my website as a
means of fundraising for this noble cause.
This brings
us to the situation at hand - and what was ultimately a very unwise
judgment call on my part: ransoming the life of a defenseless hamster
named Vincent for $500 on the internet.
While I apologize
for the method by which I went about raising money, as it was deplorable
and entirely inhumane, I had no other option. I mean seriously,
who would've believed a story about a half hamster - half man that
needed corrective surgery in order to live a normal life? That's
such a crazy notion that the only people who might actually believe
it would've been the same people who thought an educated kid with
a knack for over-the-top satire (and a keen awareness of what buttons
to push if you want to piss off half of the free world) would actually
intentionally send a hamster to his death via a hot air balloon.
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