Popularity Battle 101 started off with some clever taunting on the part of the Sorority Girls. "You little cheerleading bitches - you might have been cool in high school, slept with the All-Star quarterback, drank when your parents were out of town, but this is college, welcome to the REAL world."

"Whatever," retorted one of the quicker cheerleaders, "We are athletic specimens of beauty, all the boys love us, and without us, our sports teams would never achieve victory. So what if the entire varsity football team would run trains on us every game day - we were well respected! You are just washed up, post-pubescent SLUTS."

"I'm not a slut," replied Kristi, "I just like to sleep around. Obvi. And I swear, if you ever touch my boyfriend I'll beat you down with my Coach hand bag."

"Enough of this chit-chatting bullshit," shouted the head cheerleader, "let's get down to business ladies!" The cheerleaders began to cheer... "Ready? Ok! We're fired up, we're sizzlin. We're turning up the heat! When it comes to whooping your ass, our girls can't be beat!"

The Sorority Girls stood there, not knowing what to expect next - when out of no where one of the cheerleaders blasted Brittany straight in her Kate Spade sunglasses with a double-tuck flying cartwheel. "You little pseudo-popular bitch!," screamed Brittany, "I knew you were a low-class circus performer, but seriously, who the fuck would break a pair of Kate Spade's?"

That pushed Brittany and the rest of the Sorority Girls over the edge... a brawl ensued - a horrific tornado of teeth, hair pulling, M.A.C. lip-gloss and black J. Crew flip flops overwhelmed the outmatched and outgunned cheerleaders.

"Try bringing your A-Game next time you little bitches," said Stephanie as she towered over the beaten and pummeled cheerleaders, "This was too easy, I didn't even work up a sweat! Fuck this, I'm gonna go to the gym for 3 hours until I'm even more obscenely thin and have an even worse perception of normal body images."

Given the vast and unquestionable physical power of God, your every day run-of-the-mill street brawl wasn't the most appropriate front for this battle of the Titans. Therefore, a challenge of wits was proposed, whereby each side offered a riddle to the other in order to determine the true superior entity.

A coin was flipped, God won (obviously), and He decided to go first and posed the following riddle: "What is greater than God, more evil than the Devil, the rich need it, the poor have it, and if you eat it, you will die?"

"Holy shit," muttered Kristi. The girls were completely baffled - they had absolutely no idea seeing as the question wasn't about Tiffany's jewelry, the Greek alphabet, or fellatio. A sense of despair came over the girls. "We've got nothing," said Stephanie, "Nothing."

God's face grew dark and his anger became apparent, "Are you fucking kidding me?! 'Nothing' is the right answer! Shit, that wasn't supposed to happen."

Not wasting any time over their small yet monumental victory, the Girls gathered in a huddle to discuss their game plan. After applying some self tanner, checking their voice mail, smoking a few cigarettes, and taking a couple bumps of "nose candy," the girls were pumped up and ready to rumble.

"Okay God," said Tiffany, "How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?" "Um, shit, I know this one," God replied, "Five - One to get some Diet Coke, three to make T-shirts, and one to call Daddy."

"Wrong!" yelled Kristi, "She holds on to the light bulb, and the world revolves around her! Obvi!"

God was silent - they had gotten him good. How could he have lost to a bunch of coked-up sorority girls? I guess it's just one of those little enigmas of life that we'll never really figure out. Like, what happens when we die? Why don't we ever see any baby pigeons? Why are platypuses so fucking cool? And perhaps most importantly, why are Asians so funny looking?

For deeper thought: The real question becomes, did God create Sorority Girls and make them superior to all other girls, or was He simply a huge fan of blowjobs and decided to make them sluttier than all others?

"Oh shit," muttered Tiffany, "This has got to be a joke, that's fighting dirty! Not pizza! Not food! Everyone knows that we don't eat! Even one slice of that sheet pizza will go straight to my perfectly thigh-mastered ass." "I can't be fat for rush," screamed Stephanie, "even worse, my Fratastic boyfriend would so dump me if I got fat."

The sheet pizza laughed maniacally at the girls "Muhahaha, you'll never be able to defeat my carbo-combo of fury!" As the sheet pizza sat there, glistening in its own grease and cheesy goodness, Brittany emerged from the shadows... "Never fear girls," she shouted, "I've got this dastardly delicious bastard taken care of!"

In a matter of mere minutes, Brittany engulfed the sheet pizza, licking her fingers after every slice. The other sorority girls looked on in horror, not really believing what they were witnessing. "What a fat bitch," Kristi whispered to the others.

Brittany looked up at the three other girls with a look of both pleasure and guilt. Without much hesitation, she quickly placed her index finger down her throat, tickled her tonsils in just the right way, and upchucked her recently devoured foe! Brittany smiled and asked, "You didn't really think I'd actually keep that down?"

"Nice move," shrieked the girls, "What class! What style! What grace!"

Thus, we close the book on yet another victory for our fearless Sorority Girls.

Moral of our battle: The "Binge and Purge" is a necessary and valuable instrument in combating the notorious evil facing sorority girls everyday: food.

The combination of egocentricity, popularity, vanity, sexual energy, intoxication, drug induced haze and philanthropy would ultimately lead to a subatomic fission-like nuclear explosion, millions of times more powerful than Hiroshima, with which the sheer magnitude of the blast would surely end civilization as we know it.

For the betterment of all mankind, the sorority girls extended an olive branch of peace to the frat guys; an offering of cease-fire, an understanding that they should not fight each other, but rather work together to combat the enemies facing the entire Greek community.

After that, they all got really drunk and screwed.

In the early hours of Saturday morning, around four o'clock, Tiffany came running into the Sorority Girls' chapter house sobbing her face off. Kristi was stirred from her post-frater party slumber, "What's the matter hun?"

"Those damn SAE's!" screamed Tiffany, "I was having a threesome with two of the SAE brothers when all of a sudden, I remembered hearing a story about how one of them had gotten herpes from that transsexual Mexican midget they rented for their Rush event. I think he may have gave it to me! What am I going to do?!"

"Haha," Kristi chuckled to herself, "Is that all you're worried about? Some little sexually transmitted disease?"

By this time, the other girls had come out of their rooms to see what all the noise was about. They entered the room just in time to see Kristi climb on top of her bed and raise her fist high in the air. While the other girls weren't exactly sure what was going on, they didn't try to stop her.

Kristi began to speak as if she were giving the State of the Sorority address:

"Who cares if it burns when you pee?! Who cares if you have to regularly shampoo with super medicated soap to control the growing population of pubic lice that frolic in your pants! Who cares if your uterus might be scarred and barren for life?! So what if Herpes is for life... being a Sorority Girl is for life too! We have nothing to fear - medical breakthroughs are developing creams to dissolve and remedy our genital warts as we speak! Besides, we don't have to worry about serious stuff like HIV and AIDS... everyone knows those diseases were just created by the government to control over population of the gays, blacks and Latinos!"

Kristi began to raise her voice even louder, invoking a response from the other girls. "Are we going to let some stupid little invisible enemies cut us down in the middle of our sexual prime?!" "No!," screamed the other girls. "What are we gonna do?" "Sleep around!" "Who are we going to sleep with?" "EVERYONE... yay!"