Nike
'Warriors' commercial |
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Tori
Hunter |
Albert
Pujols |
Brian
Urlacher |
Mariano
Rivera |
Ben
Rothlisberger |
| By
now I'm sure many of you have seen the new Nike commercial
with several top athletes, from both baseball and football
alike, wearing badass masks to represent their "inner-warrior"
-- which is somehow supposed to get you to buy their Pro performance
apparel (Honestly, where do I order?). Well, I got to thinking...
what would the warrior masks look like for various popular
figures from Hollywood, entertainment and the sporting world?
Let's take a gander... |
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Paris
Hilton - Cum shot resistant face shield |
| Wearing
her splatter-proof face shield, Paris is impenetrable to the
constant splooge assault she must undergo on a nightly basis
from Hollywood's male population. In her early years, the
occasional sperm shower was no big deal to her -- in fact,
she really loved the facials! However, she's matured, become
wiser, and has grown tired of that frequent messy clean up.
Problem solved: a cum shot resistant face shield. |
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Kobe
Bryant - Rapist, with 'hush money' |
While
Kobe may be best known for his superior basketball prowess,
in actuality his inner-warrior has nothing to do with athletics.
Instead, we find that Kobe's true self is nothing more than
a two-bit rapist, mercilessly preying on victims that happen
to be awe-struck by his iconic status. Of course, he then
shuts them the fuck up with an out of court settlement using
his endless supply of hush-money.
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Barry
Bonds - Blah, blah, blah... he takes steroids. |
A
lot has been said recently in the news about the whole steroid
abuse hub-bub, and I figured I might as well jump on the
bandwagon. So, to that affect, "Blah, blah, blah, Barry
Bonds takes performance enhancing drugs. Blah, blah, blah,
there should be an asterisk next to his homerun record.
Blah, blah, blah, he's a freak of nature! Blah, blah, blah,
he looks like the Incredible Hulk."
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Michael
Jackson - Scary, scary man. |
Michael
Jackson may credit his current appearance to a rare skin
condition, while others may claim it to be the direct result
of an obsessive fixation on plastic surgery, however, I
have come to learn the truth: In
actuality, he's really wearing a mask to represent his "inner-warrior"
-- that of a freakish albino circus clown who likes to touch
little boys in the "no-no" spot.
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Yao
Ming - Genetic cyborg with a communist twist. |
Inner-warrior?
Ha, yeh right. Truth be told, Yao Ming is actually a genetically
engineered super-cyborg prototype created by scientists
from Communist China! It was their aim to upend the American
sporting world and eventually destroy the U.S. economy.
I mean honestly, it's physically impossible for a Chinese
person to be 7'6'' -- duh. Hey China, did you really think
you could fool us all?! Stick to karate and ping pong you
sluts, the scam is up! |
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Danny
Tanner - Giant pussy |
My
hatred for the Full House character Danny Tanner
is almost immeasurable. His daughters ran all over him,
his brother-in-law and friends didn't respect him, and his
dog Comet took a shit in his shoes nightly. Furthermore,
while we the viewing audience were led to believe that his
wife had passed away, we were never told the brutal truth:
She blew her head off with a fucking shotgun for the simple
reason that her husband was a giant PUSSY.
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Carson
Kressley - Super gimp |
| Star
of Bravo's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Carson
Kressley is just about as gay as they come. Not only is he
legendary with his fashionable wardrobe and homoerotic one-liners,
but he's also a dynamo when it comes to taking it up the pooper.
After some candid interviews with his past lovers, I've learned
that he is a bit too aggressive when it comes to devouring
the schlong sandwich. Therefore, I've outfitted him with a
gimp mask and ball gag in order to teach him his proper role:
the bitch. |
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Jessica
Simpson - Just Plain Retarded. |
Jessica
Simpson's "inner-warrior" has nothing to do with
her vast musical talents, or her ability to perform
in front of thousands, or her spectacular silicone beauty.
The truth of the matter is, deep down inside, there is a
little girl with down syndrome trying to get out and be
heard. Seriously, she's just plain retarded.
However,
I'd still let her have sex with me.
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