From: Benjamin Martin <bmartin@bassettlawfirm.com>
To: modifiedliving@gmail.com
Date: Mar 16, 2006 1:04 PM
Subject: I really hope you feel better now

Do you lack such self-control and self-confidence that you have to make fun of others to make yourself feel good? Think about that for a moment, will you? You blatantly make fun of people you’ve never even met. How can you call yourself a man after doing so?

You, my friend, are a disgrace to the human race and perhaps you could learn a thing or two from Steven Hill's girlfriend. You seriously need Jesus.

Your mother and father would be proud. I feel sorry for you when you have to meet your maker some day. Hopefully before then you'll wake up and understand you are wasting your life.

Benjamin,

Maybe you should think twice before screwing around the internet on your work computer. Enjoy the 1000's of idiots who read my site daily when they start contacting you. Not to mention any of your future employers who may Google your name (hi guys), only to realize they've hired a dumb-shit who wastes his entire day spreading useless gospel to people who don't care.

Perhaps Jesus would save you then?

Benjamin M Martin's Information:
IT Manager
Bassett Law Firm LLP
221 North College Avenue
P.O. Box 3618
Fayetteville, AR 72702-3618
Office: (479) 521-9996, #227
Mobile: (479) 841-8073
bmartin@bassettlawfirm.com

From: corey henderson <coreyhenderson27@yahoo.com>
To: modifiedliving@gmail.com
Date: Mar 16, 2006 12:29 PM
Subject: arkansas basketball sucks

Listen you sorry s.o.b. Before you start talking about basketball, you should look at who you are talking about. How many times has Bucknell won an NCAA tournament game? I rest my case, not enough for anyone associated with the university, or you weak little
website to start talking about Arkansas basketball.

Now to the real reason I decided to waste this 10 minutes, on your worthless ass. The "fat chick" that
you are showing with Ronnie Brewer, is my sister. Before you start making insinuations, you might want
to do your homework. That picture was taken at a local restaurant. Where she was dining with her boyfriend, and just happened to see Ronnie. Upon which, he was kind enough to take a picture with her. I would go as far as to say there aren't too many people in Lewisburg, PA, that even now who plays for Bucknell, much less want their picture made. Of course, I say that without knowing anything about the town.

Thank you and grow up!

Sir,

I am an asshole. I argue nonsensically. I don't listen to rationale thought. I am extreme. I donkey punch babies. And kick Puppies.

This is for shock value. And you have fallen victim to it. Have a great day.

PS. Your sister is still really fat. You should have her check that out.

From: Larry Armen <larrylaw74@hotmail.com>
To: modifiedliving@gmail.com
Date: Mar 16, 2006 11:58 AM
Subject: To the Webmaster of ModifiedLiving.com

Your recent posting concerning the Arkansas Razorback basketball team contains messages of libel that are illegal. If you leave the post on your website you may face prosecution for your actions. It is illegal to post false or degrading statements about individuals that may effect their percieved reputation. Even concerning the basketball players who are public figures, if the publication is made with malice, it is illegal to post such things. Please remove your publication or be ready to face prosecution for
your actions.

Go brush up on your internet law Larry.

Everything I've done is 100% within my legal rights. All pictures were taken from public sites with open sources. And all statements are my opinions, as clearly defended by the U.S. Constitution.

However, if you still believe you are correct, you may have your legal aide contact me -- because God knows you are not a lawyer -- haha, nice hotmail account... I'm sure all the top lawyers down in Arkansas use free webmail accounts. Riiiight. You fucking idiot.

And remember, I have been doing these sorts of things for some time now. I am right. You are wrong.

Bring it on, and/or blow me.

rom: Kristi <ksardonline@hotmail.com>
To: modifiedliving@gmail.com
Date: Dec 12, 2005 9:19 AM
Subject: Kwanza pictures

Fuck you whitey!

How dare you all defile a holiday that was set up for the ancestors and celebration of the black culture.

Everything we do, you crackers have to make a mockery of it because you can't find shit to create for your own. Its an insult to us and to our struggle. Take the clothing of our motherland off, because you look foolish.

My dearest Kristi,

After reading your thought-provoking email last evening, I was deeply moved and began to reflect upon my previous Kwanzaa "mockery." I sat alone on my couch, grief stricken, overcome by feelings of excruciating pain ... however, I was quick to realize that this uncomfortableness wasn't due to shameful guilt, but rather, just a gassy episode from the delicious black bean burrito I had eaten 5 minutes prior.

In the words of the great emancipator Rodney King, "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks, Lick on deez nutz and suck the dick." ... oh fuck, wrong quote -- I think Snoop said that. Sorry, what I meant to say was, "Can't we all... just... get along?"

If I'm not mistaken, 'tis the season to be merry, or happy, or joyful, or something like that. If you ask me, it seems pretty unseasonable on your part to throw out slurs and disparging remarks about my Caucasian complexion. Nigga please, 'tis the season for racial harmony.

According to your email, "crackers have to make a mockery of [Kwanzaa] because [we] can't find shit to create [on our] own." Astute observation on your part, however I feel like "whiteys" has proved their conceptual aptitude with the creation of Christmas and Chanukah. But yes, you're ultimately right, the establishment of Kwanzaa, a holiday created in 1966, most definitely trumps 2,000 years of Jewish tradition and the birth of Christ (although, rumor has it that Jesus was a black man -- or at the very least, hung like one).

And I hate to break it to you, my friends and I weren't wearing the clothing of anyone's "motherland"... unless of course you consider the fabric section of a Wal-Mart located in the heart of central Pennsylvania as your motherland? If that's the case, my bad.

Oh, and Kristi, I did some internet research on you and your "holier-than-thou" background, and guess what? I've come to discover that you happen to work for the Federal Government. Now, I'm not too positive on the Government's policy towards their employees using federally owned computers to send personal emails filled with racist remarks, but I'm pretty sure that's a big No-No.

I'm not gonna lie, the voices inside my head are telling me to forward your IP address and hate-filled email to your employer, relish in the fact that you would be undoubtedly fired, whereby forcing you to live on the streets, only to earn a living through gutter-prostitution. HOWEVER, I'm one helluva nice "cracker." So in the spirit of Kwanzaa, let us crack open a 40-ounce of malt liquor, light up a spliff, and get some delicious fried chicken to celebrate the fact that I just spared your pitiful life.

You're fucking welcome. Happy holidays! XO XO!

Love, Noah

New: December 5, 2005

From: Jessie Horton <veritaselixa@yahoo.com>
To: modifiedliving@gmail.com
Subject: Just an e-mail


I hate to think that an ass fuck like you actually graduated.

But anyway, since none of the e-mails you have recieved are effective, I'll skip the parts where I'm supposed to say I'm repulsed by your insanity, your barbaric behaviors and the fact that you are another moron the world doesn't need.

As I can see, you're just another loser in life. It's quite a surprise that you actually graduated. I never expected for a smartass like you to do anything right. Well, as my curiousity is getting the better of me, let me ask you this, what are you doing with your pathetic life now? I want to know how great the fucking idiot is doing.

But anyway, think what your life has become. Quit your pointless partying and childish behaviors and grow the fuck up. Are your parents proud of you? Do you have any conscience left? Do you honestly think your "friends" will always be there for someone who's a jackass? I'm sure they didn't like you at some point in time. Well, one thing is for sure, there are people who hates you. Your brain is dimming if it was at all working right. You have a heart of a monster and may have been the reason of your barbaric decisions in life. I hope you're proud of your damn self. It will be a great wonder if you are.

Nobody will ever genuinely care about you because of what you are. But whatever happens to you, you are nobody in the world, just another nameless face that everyone hates.

I wish you the best time in hell. Well, actually, I hope your life turns into hell.

Dear Jessie,

Your comments were well-received, and, as you can see by my delay in responding, they have had quite an impact on my life. You will be happy to know that I am no longer wasting my life and liver on "pointless partying and and childish behaviors." I have taken your advice and assumed a life very much like what I expect yours is, namely, boring, anonymous and alone. You, Jessie, changed my life because yours had so much free time to point out the error in mine.

Let me bring you in on a little secret that you may not know and would explain your surprise at my capacity to graduate college: I'm a certifiable genius. It's true. I sold my soul in '97 for the brilliance that I possess today, and it only took me making a sacrifice to Danny Tanner to achieve it. Oops, secret number two there, Danny Tanner is the devil.

You are correct, however. I'm sure I don't have nearly as many friends as you, but come now, how can we compare apples and oranges? I mean, my friends are real people, as are my fans. Your friends are wizards and goblins in D & D world. You win, ma'am. Hands down. Now excuse me while I weep tears of envy... Christ, I wish I were you. But alas, I am a mere Level 42 Badass and therefore cower before your Level 90 Introvert Loser.

New: Jan 23, 2005

From: liam williams <liamwilliams4@hotmail.com>
To: modifiedliving@gmail.com
Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 18:17:07 +0000
Subject: hampster hot air balloon

YOU ARE A FUCKING CUNT! I HATE YOU, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!! I HOPE YOU GET BURNED ALIVE AND THEN GET EATEN BY LIONS WHILE YOU STILL HAVE A BIT OF LIFE LEFT! YOU PUT THAT HAMSTER THROUGH HELL, IF I WERE LIVING IN AMERICA THEN GOD HELP ME! YOU WOULD HAVE 15 KNIFES IN THE THROAT! BUT LUCKILY FOR YOU I LIVE IN BRITAIN!!! OH, AND GUESS WHAT, MY FRIEND IS A HACKER, SO GOODBYE SITE, E-MAIL, THEN YOUR P.C!!!! AND THATS THE BEGGINING!! WHEN I TAKE A TRIP TO YOUR HOME TOWN, ME AND MY MATES AND GONNA BRAKE YOUR LEGS, THEN YOUR NOSE, THEN YOUR ARMS AND RIBS, AND THEN WE ARE GONNA THROW YOU IN A DUSTBIN 88 MILES FROM WHERE YOU LIVE, SO BE FUCKING READY!

P.S WELL ALSO CHOP OF YOU FINGERS, PUT THEM IN A BLENDER THEN POOR ALL THE LIQUID IN YOUR EYES! BY THE WAY, I AM A MASTER IN TORTURE AS YOU CAN SEE! CUNT!

Hahaha, he used the word "dustbin." That's a funny sounding word... "dustbin."

Hilarious.

From: Luzie van Hellsing <rote_unschuld_7@yahoo.de>
To: modifiedliving@gmail.com
Date: Thu, 20 Jan 2005 22:57:06 +0100 (CET)
Subject: arscholch!

na, du kleiner ami-wichser. so eine beschissene homepage hab ich in meinem ganzen leben noch nicht gesehen. so ne dumme sau wie du kann auch nur im amiland leben. du rotzblöder wichser kannst einem echt leid tun, bei soviel dummheit die du besitzt, sollten sich deine eltern am besten erschiesen.

mit den besten grüßen an das arschloch!

I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty confused when I got this email because, well, I don't speak German. Luckily, I picked up a copy of "German in 10 Minutes a Day," by Kristine K. Kershul, from my school's library. After some intense studying, I feel that I'm fully equipped to understand this piece of international hate mail... or at the very least, give you a loose translation:

"Hello kind sir, my name is Luzie van Hellsing and I write to you from the land of Germany. I apologize if you do not understand this email, but I thought I should write to you in my native tongue even though 95% of Americans don't know German. I don't know why I did this, I must be partially retarded.

Anyways, in case you've never heard of me, I am a gay, amateur, German male-porn star that specializes in being shit on in Scat videos. If you haven't seen one of these films, I would highly recommend you check them out. More or less, I'm beaten with a leather strap in some dominatrix scene, banged in the ass by a well-hung Portuguese man, then as a finale, I'm literally pooped on!

Hmm, I think that's about it.... Have fun in glorious America while I wallow in the misery that is the shit-factory I call home!"

Apparently that wasn't hatemail after all. Silly me.

New: Jan 23, 2005

From: Dee M <sweetamaryllis_2004@yahoo.com>
To: Modified Living
Sent: November 8, 2004 1:33 PM
Subject: (Blank) Oooh, someone's getting sassy right off the bat.

To whom it may concern @ Modified Living,

While I am not a animal rights activist or an activist of any kind, you really are a sick bitch. I don't really care what you call me following the receipt of my email, I don't care what trash you put up on your website about me after you read this--you really are an immature ass. It is very obvious to me that you have a 12 year old boy's mentality and the sexual maturity and stature of that poor hamster you sent up.

Honestly, who voluntarily spends time with you?? As a 22 year old female college grad., I wouldn't subject myself to a minute of your time, never mind sleep with you. Any girl who has should a) get her ass (and other parts) to a gynecologist for STD testing and b) live in exile until the end of time.

I've met some pretty immature frat guys in my time--but you are actually a shame to fraternity life (I know it might sound impossible for a frat guy to put shame to the lovely tradition of frat life--but you definitely have somehow managed it). You are a vile human being, you are so nasty to everyone that emails you. Granted, some are freaking weird--but your comments are vicious and deprecating.

I can't imagine what kind of person you will become. I neglect to ask what kind of "man" you will become--because I fear you will never quite get there. I am sure that you will be able to secure adequate, well-paying employment with your mentality. If I'm not mistaken--you are graduating in a few months--when do you plan on 1) getting mental help and 2) growing the fuck up??

If you give me four more years, I will have an M.D. and will be able to recommend a highly qualified psychiatrist and inpatient facility to help you deal with your inner crisis. For now, however, I recommend Risperdol (an antipsychotic) and ECT (electroconvulsive therapy).

Have a great day,
Dee

Alas, where to begin? I almost feel bad for what I am about to say, but considering Dee spent so much of her time and effort to write me that malicious email, I figure my words are only fair.

Ahem, I would like to draw everyone's attention to the line where Dee stated: "As a 22 year old female college grad, I wouldn't subject myself to a minute of your time, never mind sleep with you." Unfortunately for you lady, I am a stealthy internet detective and figured out the real reason why you would never want to play with my balls, or at the very least, hang out with me. Why don't we examine my sleuth skills?

Dee's IP address + her unique username + Google = Internet sites for lesbians to meet one another!

Congratulations Dee, you're a dyke! I hope you already informed your family and friends that you were a deep-sea muff-diver who loves the salty clam, otherwise you've been officially outed here on the internet! Now that we've established that Dee is a certified carpet muncher, we can better understand the true context in which her email was written. She doesn't actually hate me for her supposed arguments that I'm immature, vile and a sick bitch -- she hates me because I have a penis.

Aw, the lesbian is afraid of penises. How sad.

From: Matthew Shields <mattrs10@yahoo.com>
To: Modified Living
Sent: October 8, 2004 11:55 PM
Subject: "frats"

not sure where you go to school, but it must be up north or on the west coast. having to use roofies to get into a girl's pants? pretty pathetic, how about just using some class you GDI. no calls their fraternity a "frat" here in the south. you should only use the word "frat" as an adjective. also no brother a respectable fraternity would be caught dead wearing abercrombie. otherwise, this site sucks

6 Minutes Later...

From: Matthew Shields <mattrs10@yahoo.com>
To: Modified Living
Sent: October 9, 2004 12:01 AM
Subject: ... never know what to put here ...

i would like to retract the last statement in the previous email. i'm sorry. this website does not suck. some of it is fucking hilarious. good job on some of it, especially the archnemesis, rather funny.

-Matt

If a normal person were to receive these two emails, they would most likely think that this guy Matt is nothing but a silly bi-polar cockbag. At first glance I thought the same, however, after careful analysis of the two emails I've come to the conclusion that he's an "in the closet" homosexual who has some serious issues dealing with his battle of sexuality. Allow me explain...

Matt, the way I figure it, your first email was probably written in the company of your fraternity brothers who have no idea that you secretly desire to eat schlong sandwiches - ergo, you had to exhibit your socially expected level of testosterone rage. Let's fast forward 6 minutes where you send me a follow-up email with a complete change in disposition. No doubt, your brothers had exited your room by now, leaving you alone to wallow in the sexual confusion that is your life. Your womanly emotions then took over, and you realized that you were being an asshole to me for no real reason at all. So, you write a retractionary email, not only apologizing, but giving complementary praise towards my site.

Matt, it's blatantly obvious that your inner-homosexual desires manifested themselves (granted I'm gorgeous and irresistible to all sexes) and you tapped into your sweeter and softer side in hopes of appeasing me. Notice how he puts " ... never know what to put here ... " as the subject line. Looks like someone was trying to use a little humor to break the ice - aww, you are sooo cute! Unlike the first email, Matt even signs his name at the end - clearly done to add some personal flair in hopes of eliciting some sort of reply email on my part.

Matt, while I'm flattered by your desire to flirt with me, I'm going to have to decline your advances. Looks like you'll have to go pack fudge elsewhere.

From: Harlee Notter <harbooty@yahoo.com>
To: Modified Living
Sent: September 29, 2004 12:24 AM
Subject: Have something to say...

That hamster hot air balloon you and your fucking idiot friends made better have been fake... that is fucking disgusting and inhumane.... just because you can do something doesn't mean you have the right to... Imagine the hell you put that poor innocent creature through... I hope you fucking bastards rot in fucking hell... I cant believe what fucking losers you are to have the time and nerve to do that to a living creature... goes to show how fucking dumb and ignorant you guys are... just to let you know I reported your idoit asses to PETA and the ASPCA... hope you guys get fucked over ... Karmas a bitch

From: Shaun Smyth <lordshaun@msn.com>
To: Modified Living
Sent: October 8, 2004 6:58 PM
Subject: the hamster experiment

you fucking bastards i am complaining about that inaproriate picturing you have taken showing an animal suffer eg the hamster, so therfore it suffers a death so i am warning the rspca and police about your gay little sick violent disgusting site that shall soon be banned thanks to me ps i hope you die you fucking twat the person who made that

From: Risa Hanazawa <chocolate_cancer@yahoo.com>
To: Modified Living
Sent: October 20, 2004 7:09 PM
Subject: hamsters again

The utter disregard you show for life is apalling. If you ever do grow up, see how it feels to tell your wife or your children or grandchildren that you killed something one day solely for your own amusement. Most people recognize that as murder, but in reality it's worse. You killed something that was wholly defenseless.

I don't know what you believe in, but spare a thought for how lucky you are that you were born a human and not a hamster. Sometimes I doubt whatever force it is that decides does it too systematically. Remember that one of the best ways to gauge a person's real character is by how he treats his inferiors. The way you flaunt your acts doesn't leave anyone with a favorable assessment.

In the end, though, I do agree with you. The poor hamster is probably in a better place-- anywhere at all where *you* don't exist

Jesus titty-fucking Christ.

How many times do I have to tell you people: "Ass" the hamster killed himself.

My peers and I were merely providing our little friend with an aerial opportunity to view Bucknell's beautiful campus. Unbeknownst to us, the furry prick had other intentions. At about 100 feet up, he took the initiative to chew through the dental floss that was holding him to the ground - selfishly ending his own life.

Before you write me any more hate mail concerning this incident, consider for a moment the massive psychological damage I must have incurred thanks to this traumatic event. There I was, trying to provide "Ass" with some fresh air, and he goes ahead and commits stratospheric suicide. Did he consider the sadness and grief of the friends he left behind? No! Did he think about the devastation of his cage-mate "Tits" when she heard the news of his untimely demise? No! If you ask me, all you hate-mailers should direct your anger towards that selfish little bitch of a hamster. He's the evil one in this situation, not me.

From: MK McKenna
To: Modified Living
Sent: March 7, 2003 11:57 PM
Subject: hamster story

Hi, I'm a college student who does enjoy pulling a funny prank or two sometimes, but never at the expense of an animal's life. Your Bucknell hamster story is really sick. Granted, it's a hamster and not a dog, but it's still wrong, and I'm shocked educated students would pull something like this. An animal's life was taken at the expense of a joke. An extremely sick and not funny joke at that. Please understand that if any animal advocates get ahold of this story, you may receive letters from hundreds of different animal agencies, and possibly be charged with a minor crime.

Just think next time. College is fun and a time to enjoy yourself, but NOT at the expense of any animals.

-MK McKenna-

PS- this letter is not to be posted on the site, just a note to those involved.

1) The hamster was not supposed to be sent to outerspace. As I have defended myself on numerous occasions, the little guy chewed through the dental floss that was keeping his bitchass tied to the ground. Therefore, it is blatantly obvious to the educated individual that he killed himself.

How would you like to live your entire life in a 2 ft x 1 ft glass cage, with stupid college kids poking and fondling you whenever they so pleased? If you ask me, the hamster had been planning his escape for weeks. We merely gave him the opportunity... no, no, rather, the choice: captivity or FREEDOM?!

2) Please go right ahead and forward this to any and all animal advocates you may know -I'd welcome the publicity... stupid whores.

3) Finally, yes, your letter can be posted on my site. You emailed me, ergo, it's my property now, bitch.

Happy trails you hippie slut.

From: Kelly Choi
To: Modified Living
Sent: November 3, 2003 10:10 PM
Subject: chinks gonna mess you up

so you think fat asians are 'chunks' huh?

You will be very sad when i run into you in a dark alley and fight you. You are so white it makes me sick.... Pro-war, Anti-cat, whitey. You white people walk around smelling like socks and butter and wet dog. White women are ok though... they make good stepford wives... like your mom... she is real nice.

I should steal ur mandolin and whack you with it, while your sitting in your room listening to john mayer, when i sneak up behind you while you do that "yEA!! Woo!! " that white college guys like yourselfs are always yelling loudly.

i would mess you up in basketball you whink.

What is it with me and Asians, I don't get it? By emailing me stupid responses like this you are only confirming my initial viewpoint that all Orientals are "silly little people." It's obvious that you have some serious mental health issues considering the utter nonsense you just spouted in that letter:

1) "White people smell like socks and butter and wet dog" - No you stupid, stupid bastard. a) You are just jealous because Asians can't wear socks, only sandals. b) I'd rather smell of delicious butter than soy sauce or pork fried rice. c) If we did smell like dogs, then we'd be in a shitload of trouble considering your people eat dogs.

2) "I should steal ur mandolin and whack you with it." Lady, what the hell? I have never heard of the white race being associated with mandolins, never, not once. Aren't Asians supposed to be the ones playing violins, cellos and other assorted string instruments? You do have those tiny little nimble fingers and the ethnically imbedded dedication and work ethic to master the musical arts so wouldn't you be better suited for that sort of thing?

3) "I would mess you up in basketball you whink." Haha, whink. In case the rest of you couldn't figure out what clever little Ms. Chow did, you see, she took the popular derogatory term Chink, then just switched the slanty-eyed "c" with a whitened "w." Ha, you are so clever, no really, that is sooooo smart. No wonder your people use little pictures instead of letters. Stupid slut.

From: JWRockStar04@aol.com <Jonathon>
To: Modified Living
Sent: Octobert 10, 2003 12:52 PM
Subject: your website is funny, but date rape isn't...

Hello, Noah. I mainly just looked at the Sorority Girls and Frat Guys pages. Those are pretty funny and I appeciate that you are not really supporting those superficial, unhealthy attitudes and actions. I also checked out your FAQ and Hate Mail sections to make sure that you really were being sarcastic (sometimes you just don't know.) Anyway, that's great that you have a high-profile website drawing attention to the darker side of Greek/college life.

My concern is that not everybody looking at your webpage is really going to get the joke and that some people might misinterpret what your intent is and use it to justify their behavior. My biggest concerns revolve around fraternity guys, alcohol, and freshman women. Far too many of my friends and family have been the victims of alcohol related rapes. I am asking you to consider putting some links at the bottom of your Frat/Sorority pages to, say, the Rape and Incest National Network or other sites dealing with the issue of rape. You could be very subtle about it, but who knows how many people this could save from the horrors of rape? Your site could help steer a lot of people to some very important and relevant information. Please consider it.

The other thing I would say is that a lot of people treat STDs really flippantly, but - as you seem to hint at - they are a real and surprisingly common problem. Perhaps a link to a page about the real severity of this problem would be good as well.

Anyway, excellent satire, I just think that you could subtely point the way to a few sites that a take a different - and more direct - approach to the problems you are making fun of. Thanks for your time and keep up the good work.

Jonathon,

Sorry I didn't write back sooner, I was busy drugging up some poor freshman chick for a night of unadulterated rape and debauchery. You'd be amazed what a couple of beers, a box of wine, and a handful of horse tranquilizers would do to a girl. Booyah!

Don't get me wrong, I do greatly appreciate your Bible Belt-Christian Camp sentiments towards women, however my site is about humor, satire and college fun... I don't want to bog my fan base down with morbid and dull issues of rape and STDs. This isn't 12th grade health class - it's not my job to educate the people. Besides, if it were my job, I'd just tell people that STDs fucking rock because they obviously do. Get with the times man.

Personally, I think the fact that you associate the raping of blossoming young nubile freshman girls with the alcoholic lechery of fraternity life is very uncalled for. Why are freshman girls at those parties in the first place? Hmm, I wonder. Are they there for the milk and cookies? No! They are there for the fucking roofies!

Later bud.

FROM: "Lil Bittel" <lilbittel@hotmail.com>
DATE: Wed, 28 May 2003 15:55:11
TO: Modified Living
SUBJECT: Fraternity Website yO.

Whats up man? I have been reading your site for a while, and I have held it in not to say anything about the "Frat" section, but it does bother me. When you're a member of a fraternity who is not in the typical stereotype of Kappa Alpha, Pikes, ATO's, Lambda Chi's, etc, it gets on your nerves. I'm a proud member of Alpha Sigma Phi fraternity @ Murray State University. We continue to Better The Man. Our Chapter here has been honored for the past 4 yrs as the best Alpha Sigma Phi chapter in the nation. We are consistant with community service, raising money for CCI, and have won every award on campus possible with our 10 yrs here on campus. Other Fraternities hate us because of what we stand for. We are diverse, meaning we have gentleman from all different backgrounds. We DO NOT HAZE, we DO NOT make you drink, we DO NOT make you feel like you're nothing. We treat ladies with respect because we are Gentleman. I know that some of our other chapters around the United States are "lacking," but that doesn't make us the same as them.

I know you're probably like, "you're a greek, what do I care?" I just wanted to clear some stuff up about stereotyping the Greek System. Not all Greeks are the same. Not all of us are "frat" guys. Some of us our men and are out to better society as a whole. (By the way, I don't have bleech blonde hair, I don't wear Abercrombie crap, I don't act like a complete assclown.)

#276
SCARECROW
Cellar Door Guitarist, Member of Alpha Sigma Phi

Where to begin? I did a little research on Alpha Sigma Phi at Murray State and the writer of this email - which leads me to the following points.

#1 - You label yourself and your fraternity brothers as "gentlemen," but I believe the word you were looking for is "big-fat liars." You claim that your fraternity has "won every award on campus possible" the last ten years. Well my friend, this just isn't the case. In fact, this past year, you placed a whopping 2nd place in the overall standings for the fraternity Softball league. What's a matter, couldn't win that one, eh? I wouldn't want to embarrass your fraternity's supposed winning streak any further, but it turns out that you placed 3rd in both the Flag Football and Basketball standings. I bet you just forgot to point out those little blemishes?

#2 - Other fraternities don't hate you because of what you stand for. They hate you because you seem like a bunch of sissy queers. "Better the Man?" Cool motto. Try "Smoke the Cock."

#3 - Let's get to know the author of this email a bit better. Meet Heath Bittel. When Mr. Bittel isn't defending the honor of his fraternity and the honor of all dork fraternities in America, his activities include serving as a Residential College Association Representative, Fall Orientation Leader, and... you ready for this one... Murray State JV Cheerleader! What's a matter Heath? Couldn't make the V-Squad? It seems like you were too busy emailing webmasters of websites bitching about their content when you should've been practicing your double-tuck tumble roll and six-person-pyramid. Then maybe you could've made the Varsity Cheerleading team. Don't worry bro, you'll get 'em next year. While you might not act like a "complete assclown," as you so eloquently put it, that obviously doesn't exclude you from taking it in the ass.

PS. What in the fuck is with the way you signed your email? #276 Scarecrow? Is that some sort of neato Alpha Sigma Phi codename? In my world, that's just code for "dorky-weirdo motherfucker."

From: Jasmine Marrero
Date: Monday, April 28, 2003 11:02 PM
To: Modified Living
Subject: Sorority Girl Website

I got a link to your sorority website from the AIM profile of one of my sorority sisters. I've noticed in the past few years that sorority girls are very touchy about things like this and oddly enough it's the girls that actually fit those stereotypes that do the most complaining (So what you mean to say is that the sorority girls at your school are a bunch of stereotypical whores), with the exception of my sisters who are merely just passionate about our chapter (passionate about your chapter? Ha, this can only mean that you are the ugly sorority on campus that no one likes! I think so.). I served on Panhellenic for a year, so believe me I've seen it all. It was merely humor, I understand that. I have to admit I was a little offended but then when I read that you're also Greek, I figured it was all in good fun.

PS. Don't let this get out, I'll get hell from every sorority girl on this campus, haha!

-J.C.M (Jasmine Marrero)
Boston U.

Well, Jasmine Marrero from Boston University, your secret is safe with me!

Dimensia9: Dude, I am seriously going to find a way to kill you. You think you're funny?...You're not funny! Why don't you think about how much you loathe kittens, multiply that by 10 and then you would have only half the amount that everyone hates you and your ridiculous thoughts. Good thing I go to school about 45 mins away from you. Your days are numbered ass.

Take that, multiply by two, then cut it in half, what now bitch?!

Dude, way too many numbers and mathematical equations for my liking. Although, I did notice how pretty your grammar, spelling and punctuation were. This leads me to think that you have nothing better to do in life than tediously prepare a gutless threat. No really, I am astounded by your capitalization. Awesome.

For any of you that do enjoy my site, I'd very much appreciate if you gave Dimensia9 a little piece of your mind. I hear he enjoys incestuous pillow talk about his dirty escapades with his whore of a mother. Dude, I understand you may be from the Bible Belt of Pennsylvania, but incest just isn't cool.

From: Jonathan Kraft
Date: Tuesday, April 8, 2003 1:48 AM
To: Modified Living
Subject: Possible partnership?

Perhaps I should introduce myself… My name is Jonathan Kraft. I live in Colorado and graduated last year from UNC. Now you’re thinking of North Carolina, but it’s actually the University of No Credit… otherwise known as the University of Northern Colorado. I operate www.*****4impact.com and my most recent project is www.******advice.com. I came across your site after finding your FRAT guy humor at linkdump.be.

Jonathan, first off, who the hell do you think you are? University of No Credit? What the fuck man? Who starts an email off like that? Is that goddamn humor? I'm ashamed to even put up your real URLs because I don't want to be associated with them; they are horrible. Life out man, kill yourself.

You seem like a pretty cool guy! I wanted to offer you the top 5 reasons we should do a link trade between our sites:

7. (Okay, so I added this one.) My site features beautiful European women who I actually know and are my friends. They are featured on my Germany Photos Index page. What could be better than beautiful European women who I actually know? Well…?

Link trade? This isn't like trading baseball cards in the 3rd grade man. I don't know what you take me for, but I'm not going to promote your whore of a website. "What could be better?" Perhaps you shutting the hell up, you worthless piece of random garbage.

6. (and this one was added too… sorry ‘bout that) My site receives over 25,000 visits/month and it keeps going up. People love me! They really love me! Okay, so I’m a nerd! And I’m like you to tell all my friends how excited I am about getting so many visits. Do they really care? I think about 3 of my friends actually care, but they only care because I care. Oh well. Such is the life of NERDdom.

No one cares Kraft, no one cares.

5.You’re a funny person. People like people who are funny. I like people who are funny. My people would like to see you being funny.

Dude, I really have no idea what you are getting at with this point.

4.You play club lacrosse for Bucknell! That’s awesome! You’re a midi who huffs and puffs and runs the length of the field every game, holding onto your shaft. I was a Def player myself, so my stick is longer. They say it’s not how long your stick is, but how you handle your stick that really counts (but we all know the truth).

First off, by stalking me and figuring out I play lacrosse, no less the midfield position, is just scary. Secondly, I'm not sure what angle you were going with on your point, but you came across as highly homosexual. All the homoerotic phallic references make me want to vomit.

3.Check out my site. It’s already been established that you’re a pretty cool guy… upon visiting my page, you’ll see that I’m a pretty cool guy too. Pretty cool guys should stick together.

No John, nothing you do will ever be pretty cool.

2..You make fun of sorority girls and FRAT guys (even though you are friends with sorority girls and are a Fraternity Man). We have like soooo much in common!

1.If you don’t link to my page, the little white rabbit gets it. AND I MEAN IT! .... ½. I’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Sincerely, Jonathan Kraft

P.S. Think about the little white rabbit. Do it for him.

I really am at a loss of words. Normal people don't write, talk or think like this. I don't know what else to say man. You are a weirdo.