A couple months ago I was informed that Tim Burton will be directing the remake of one of my all-time favorite movies: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Amazing, I know. And what's even more badass is that this new movie will be starring Johnny Depp as a crazier and super coked out version of the original Wonka. As a tribute to this new movie, I felt it only appropriate that I watch the old one for what seems like the 612th time. Anyways, about halfway through the film my mind started to wander...

After some thought, I came to the realization that WWATCF is more than just a silly kids movie about golden tickets, copious amounts of sugary treats, and orange faced midgets doing dance routines. Nay, what this movie really does is force you on an emotional and cinematic rollercoaster which takes aim at the important moral and cultural issues of our society: greed, homoeroticism, perception of self-worth, good versus evil, the plight of the socioeconomically less fortunate, and the dark world of grandfather/grandson incestual pedophilia.

Throw all these wonderful ingredients into a giant Crock-Pot, add some chocolate syrup, a couple gumdrops, and Grandpa Joe's daily heart medication, and what you get is a deliciously tasty blockbuster of monumental proportions! Alright, so maybe I'm reading a bit too much into the subtext, or it could be all the Angel Dust I've been blowing as of late, but I'm telling you, there is something special about this movie.

Perhaps I've been writing about college hijinks for too long (or maybe it's that Angel Dust again), but for some reason my thought process has become completely enmeshed with seeing everything from an analytical college approach. Given this mindset, I began to see numerous parallels between the characters, places and themes of WWATCF that eerily resembled many identities and facets of college existence. If you look closely, you'll recognize that this glorious movie is just one giant metaphoric examination, detailing and critiquing college life as we know it.

Dear Johnny College, congratulations on your acceptance to Chocolate Factory University! Acceptance to CFU is highly selective, so you should pretty much consider yourself lucky as shit to have received this letter. Moving on, the entire CFU campus community would love if you would attend our open house for accepted students so that you may meet and greet your future classmates, gorge yourself silly on insane amounts of candy, as well as learn life lessons about alcohol abuse, drug usage and the wonders of sexual intercourse. Sounds like a super time!

Clearly representative of the 5th year senior, Mr. Willy Wonka has stretched his college years as far as they can go. Over his educational tenure, he has accumulated a vast wealth of knowledge pertaining to college life, experiences and different types of people. Think of him as your Van-Wilder-esque tour guide for this amazingly sweet adventure.

A brief background: Wonka essentially enjoyed college so much that in the process, he's neglected any real attempt at academic responsibility -- instead he's rocked out, probably done every drug imaginable, and brought more bitches to Pound Town than you could ever dream of (he may have even dipped his pixie stick into an Oompa Loompa or two, but that was totally consensual). He is a mentor, a sage, a wise man of sorts - here to expose every nook and cranny of college life that is meant to be experienced. Plain and simple, Willy Wonka is the man.

Bright eyed, smiling from ear to ear, and glowing with youthful glee, Charlie Bucket metaphorically embodies both the excitement and naïveté that every freshman possesses. As the central character of the film, we are granted front-row seats to live vicariously through Charlie's "first-year." In this progression we are presented with glimpses of his initial immaturity and inexperience (the Fizzy Lifting scene, which is explained in detail later on), as well as his eventual development towards maturity and the formation of good decision making skills (returning the ever-lasting Gobstopper.)

Violet's metaphoric identity in the college world is somewhat less apparent than those of the others. Accordingly, we must take a more abstract approach in order to better understand just exactly how she plays a part in this examination.

What do we know about Violet? For one thing, she's a self-proclaimed gum lover. From this tidbit of information, we can only assume that she has developed an oral fixation and addiction. Naturally, this lusting for mouthable objects has lead towards more sexually deviant behavior. In other words, she's a certified cock-gobbling nymphomaniac.

Consider for a moment the scene in which Violet puts the experimental piece of Wonka gum in her mouth, even when explicitly advised not to. As expected, disaster strikes -- Violet starts to change colors and blimps out to the size of a small Dodge Caravan. This scene would then clearly support the Violet-slut hypothesis. She has a serious problem with putting things in her mouth with reckless abandonment, whether they be untested pieces of Wrigley's or the schlongs of the entire basketball team. As a result must suffer the consequences: in this case, her now unsightly coloration and massive size... or in the college world, the blistering sores and discomfort of oral herpes.

If you can't figure this one out on your own, chances are you need to be tested for a learning disability. The blatant embodiment of your stereotypical sorority girl, Veruca's actions throughout the movie provide us with numerous pieces of supporting evidence:

• She's an incredibly bitchy snob.
• She's an obnoxious daddy's girl.
• She demands what she can't have --the golden goose.
• She's wearing the trendiest clothing the movie has to offer.
• And she has more than likely banged Wonka, Charlie, Mike, Augustos and possibly engaged in a little girl-on-girl make out session with Violet after urging from the others.

It's not too difficult to see the similarities between these silly orange Lilliputians and their college world counterpart -- campus security. Bumbling about, these stupid looking peons are but mere stooges "responsible" for the well being of the chocolate factory / University. In most situations, they are under the impression that they serve some important role; however, in reality they are only accountable for mundane tasks like stirring chocolate and overall factory maintenance -- or in the case of campus security, giving parking tickets, unlocking doors and busting underage drinkers. Sweet life... I'd rather kill myself.

A rather harrowing and traumatic scene from the movie, what we have here is a clear and present metaphor for everyone's favorite activity: alcohol consumption. However, this incident also provides a bit of administrative propaganda, whereby exaggerating and demonizing the possible dangers of the drinking world with the prospect of severe bodily harm or possible dismemberment.

Sure, everything is going fine and dandy one minute ... you're having a couple beers with your buddies... a few shots later and you've got yourself a nice, quality buzz ... people are laughing, socializing, having a good time ... but then things start to get a bit hazy ... you have difficultly remembering if that last drink was your 6th or 7th ... the music at the party is getting louder, voices are beginning to sound murmured ... that fat chick standing alone in the corner suddenly starts to look more and more attractive ... uh oh, the room starts to spin ... OH DEAR LORD! Out of no where you are headed for a giant fucking ceiling fan! Your only hope in escaping this horrifying doom is to belch your way out of harm's way, or for our little metaphoric examination, puke your brains out until you've sobered up.

Quite possibly one of the scariest moments in any children's movie to date, the boat ride down the Chocolate River most obviously represents your first trip on some sort of mind-altering, hallucinogenic drug. This psychedelic adventure is one insane experience, with mind-fucking visuals of hellish creatures, a kaleidoscopic explosion of colors, and the feeling that you have a complete lack of control over the situation. You want the whole experience to stop but you quickly realize that you're completely helpless to the orchestra of sounds and the razzle-dazzle of blurred vision. With time, the trip comes to an unsuspecting end; however, at this point, you should probably just kill yourself, because odds are you are a dirty hippie.

Perhaps my favorite examination in this metaphoric world is that of the wallpaper licking room. Here we are presented with a wonderful comparison to the ever-present "hook-up" culture on today's college campus. In this scene, Wonka is encouraging us to take a seat the buffet of sexual variety: "Lick an orange, it tastes like orange. Lick a pineapple, it tastes like a pineapple!"

Wonka is essentially suggesting that sexual monogamy is but a thing of the past. Accordingly, there is a "flavor" out there waiting for all of us -- maybe you fancy a mouth watering apple, or perhaps you prefer a blonde who will swallow your load without having to ask her, or perchance you desire a succulent strawberry, or possibly that cute, innocent looking girl in your Calculus class who is secretly a closet-freak that loves taking it up the poopchute. Whatever your flavor, whatever your aim, college is the opportunity to fill your plate with a delicious assortment of sexual partners. I mean honestly, why stick to eating the same old boring peach everyday when you could make yourself a very sexy and fulfiling fruit salad?

(Side note: Next time you watch the movie, notice how Veruca was the most eager to try every flavor and noticeably licked them the hardest -- that dirty rotten whore.)

This may be a stretch of the metaphoric world, but stick with me here. Ahem, the foam ride can be seen as being representative of your typical sexual encounter between college students. The "ride" starts off gentle, slow and smooth, you try to be a courteous lover, gently kissing each other ... then, out of no where ... BAM! You're thrown into a messy scene of debauchery: splooge on your sheets, the walls and possibly if your lady friend is lucky enough, all over her pretty little face. Chaos ensues, indistinguishable screams can be heard, thoughts of "what the fuck just happened" pace through your mind. All you want to do is clean yourself up, find your clothes, and get the fuck out of Dodge. If that's not love, I don't know what is... ahh, skeet, skeet, skeet muthafucka.

Slugworth's dark and evil character is a clear metaphoric comparison to the inescapable "real world" that looms over each and every college student after they graduate. Always lurking in the shadows, or in the back of our minds, Slugworth / the "real-world" attempts to poison the naive children, essentially stealing their care-free attitude and party lifestyle and replacing it with monotonous "nine-to-five days," sitting in a cubicle and reminiscing about the glory days of college. Dude, what a bitch.

Serving as the conclusionary and climactic portion of the movie, the glass elevator scene is a direct representation of one's graduation from college. You have finished your factory tour / completed your education and are now ascending to new heights, while at the same time being able to look down and reflect upon your journey. Who cares if Wonka and Grandpa Joe probably ran a man-boy love-train on you up in the clouds -- at this point you are so overjoyed that you've graduated in one piece that a little molestation isn't going to rain on your parade.

Man, it was one helluva ride... although, I think that Angel Dust might have had something to do with it.